Nearly The News

Romney New Slogan and Levi Johnston Gun Baby! NTN #152

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 06:46:00 +0000

ROMNEY… JUST GOT A LITTLE WHITER
After it was revealed that the Romney campaign slogan, “Keep America American” was once used by the KKK, the Republican campaign has come up with a new catch phrase. “We wanted to stay with that theme, not offend our base but make sure they knew we were still pandering” said a campaign spokesperson.

The new slogan: “Keep America, you know… “the way it should be wink wink” is sure to be popping up on pick-up truck bumpers and trailer park lawn signs over the next few weeks as the race for the White House comes down to the wire.

MARS ROVER: JOHN CARTER DIDN’T OPEN ANYWHERE
Scientists say they are surprised by some of the data the Rover Curiosity is sending back from the red planet, especially the news that the Disney flop “John Carter” did no business on Mars.

“We were a little shocked” said a source with the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena. “I mean, our projections were for a number one opening. You would think some folks would go just because they shot in this neighborhood, but nope. I guess even the Barsooms know Taylor Kitsch can’t act.”

LEVI JOHNSTON: WELL, MAINLY BECAUSE NAMING YOUR KID FORD RANGER IS DUMB
Former Bristol Palin knocker-upper has spawned again. Levi Johnston and his girlfriend have named their new child Breeze Beretta in a deal with the Italian gun manufacturer. “We needed money for stuff,” said the happy dad. “And since people already saw some of my junk in Playgirl, selling the baby’s naming rights was the best way… you know… to buy stuff… and baby things. Plus he’s named after a gun!” This is Levi’s second child, and the surest sign ever that the apocalypse is at hand.

Amanda Bynes WUI and iPhone-O! NTN #151

Mon, 24 Sep 2012 08:47:00 +0000

AMANDA BYNES BUSTED FOR WUI, WILL HAVE SHOES REVOKED

Former teen-starlet Amanda Bynes is in the news again, this time for walking while intoxicated. Bynes was forced to hoof it after she had her license revoked following a number of booze related run ins with the law. But now the LAPD has popped her again, this time after watching her stumble out of a Hollywood nightclub and pass out against a parking meter. Bynes immediately had her shoes confiscated for one week as part of an LAPD crack-down on celebrities with too much money and not enough sense.

There was no comment from the Bynes camp…or her numerous enablers.

APPLE IPHONES…. LET’S JUST SKIP TO THE END

Apple has unveiled a pre-obsolete iPhone, which the company say will revolutionize the way people wait for new iPhones.

The iPhone-O, the O stands for “over,” will be unveiled this week and is already completely out of date. “People need to know how long their technology lasts,” said an Apple spokesperson. “And with this product, we’re saying not very long at all.” The iPhone O will do everything your last iPhone did, but just a little better and not as good as the next generation which will be out as soon as you get this one home.

MOHAMMED TO FOLLOWERS… CHILL, HOMIES!

In the wake of a deadly attack on an American embassy by militant Muslims, the Prophet Mohammed has released a statement saying he wishes his followers would just chill. The riots in Libya started after a trailer for a satirical movie was shown on TV, but the prophet says people are over-reacting.

“We’re supposed to be a religion of peace and submission,” said the Prophet. “Relax, it’s basically a freakin’ home-video, I’m still your boy, everybody just breathe.”

Scientists Discover Non-Preggers Gene and Romney Understands! NTN #150

Wed, 19 Sep 2012 08:46:00 +0000

RYAN: NON-VOTER FRAUD A NOT NON ISSUE
Cap news is quoting Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan as saying while he is not particularly concerned about voter fraud; he is extremely concerned about non-voter fraud.
Ryan told the crowd of vaguely anti-establishment American citizens that he will propose legislation requiring anyone who does not intend to vote in the upcoming presidential election to meet rigorous requirements aimed at eliminating non-voting fraud.
"I respect and support the decision of people who recognize that they're too ignorant, too uninformed, too broke or too retarded to choose who their new president should be," said Ryan. "In fact, I'm glad these individuals are leaving the important political decisions to people - well, people like me.”
http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201209004

SCIENTISTS FIND “NON-PREGGO GENE”

Researchers at Stanford University's Department of Genetics claim to have identified the gene responsible for controlling whether or not a woman gets pregnant following sexual intercourse. Known as MU069, the legendary "Magic Uterus" gene had always been thought to be a myth.
According to Cap News, while conventional wisdom has held that male sperm and female ovulation were solely responsible for conception success rates, Christian conservatives have long believed that in cases of “forcible rape”, when it comes to pregnancy, "the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

"This is a great day for uteruses everywhere," said the lead researcher. "We have finally debunked the idea that there is some sort of magic taking place inside a woman's uterus, replacing it with cold, hard scientific fact.”
http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201208016

ROMNEY TO MUSLIM WORLD: NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS

In the wake of the deadly riots in Libya that saw three US diplomats killed, Mitt Romney says “now the Muslim world knows how it feels.” The unrest was caused when a short Youtube clip of a poorly made US independent film that insulted the Prophet Mohammed was shown on local TV. “Hey, The Book of Mormon has been the number one Broadway draw for over a year,” said Romney. “You think that was fun for me? Having them talk about how we wear magic underwear? Get over yourselves.”

Lance Armstrong Nads Stripped and What Messiah? NTN #149

Sat, 15 Sep 2012 15:23:19 +0000

LANCE ARMSTRONG TAKES ON IN THE ‘NADS
Bad news continues to pour in for embattled cyclist Lance Armstrong. Armstrong recently lost his seven Tour de France titles after refusing to fight charges levied by the U.S. Anti-Doping Association.
And now Cap News is reporting that the American Cancer Society will strip the cyclist of his remaining testicle amidst allegations that the former champion used drugs to aid in his battle against cancer.

"There's a right way to fight cancer and a wrong way to fight cancer," said an ACS spokesperson. "If you want to cheat at a sport, that's one thing. But to straight up cheat at life like that? It's disappointing."
http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201208019

NRA GUN RALLY TURNS DEADLY… LIKE, DUH
A rally for the National Rifle Association at a park near the National Mall in Washington turned deadly this weekend after hundreds fired their weapons in a display of support for the second amendment.
Despite the one thousand, five hundred and thirty seven killed and three thousand six hundred and eighty nine injured, gun-rights activists are calling reaction to the incident "overblown" and suggest the national media has "exaggerated the overall significance of what happened."

"What you've seen here today is a demonstration of the fact that we Americans love our guns, and we wholeheartedly support the right to freely shoot those guns in protest against losing them," said an NRA spokesperson.

WHERE’S YOUR MESSIAH NOW?
Well I guess they don’t make Messiah’s like they used to. Reverend Sun Myung Moon, founder of the Unification church and alleged possessor of divine powers has died at 92. Moon owned several properties in the U.S., founded the Washington Times and ran arms factories in South Korea, but was best know for performing mass weddings and doing time for tax evasion.

“We can’t believe he’s gone,” said a church spokesperson. “I mean, really, this could shake our beliefs to the core if it weren’t in our financial interest to keep things going no matter what, but still.”

Slutty Insurance and Scientologists Deny Rumors! NTN #148

Tue, 11 Sep 2012 22:57:30 +0000

INSURANCE COMPANIES: WE LOVE WHORES!
As they gear up to implement new changes to contraception coverage mandated by the Affordable Care Act, some health insurance companies have revamped their offerings to make them easier for immoral women to navigate.

"Thanks to our new plans, access to your birth control is now as easy as you are!" says an ad for private insurance company HealthMed.

Cap News reports the ad urges female users to "simply log onto HealthMed.com and choose the coverage that's right for you, based on your level of wantonness."

A HealthMed spokesman says the new offerings include three tiers of coverage including Slut-plus, Slut-advantage and Preferred-Slut.

http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201208020

SCIENTOLOGY: IT’S NOT TRUE, ANY OF IT
The Church of Scientology has issued a statement denying it has ever set up auditions to find Tom Cruise a wife. The press release was in response to a Vanity Fair story detailing the alleged church sponsored courtship. But the church also took the opportunity to deny various other controversial rumors about the organization and its members.

“While we’re at it,” the statement reads, “John Travolta is straight, any pictures of him kissing a guy are staged, all our ex-members are liars, our founder certainly never said the best way to get rich was to start a religion, and space aliens really did drop evil souls into volcanoes on earth billions and billions of years ago. We hope this clears things up.”

PAUL RYAN: YOU DIDN’T RUN THAT
Freshly nominated Republican Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan’s claims that he once ran a marathon in less than three hours, has democrats demanding to see his birth certificate. “If he’s that fast,” said a democratic spokesperson, “I think we now know who the real Kenyan is.”

Clint Makes Day and NFL Phone Ins! NTN #147

Fri, 07 Sep 2012 15:02:00 +0000

PAUL RYAN STRIKES BACK!
Campaigning with other high profile Republicans this week, Vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan has hit back at critics, wounding 5 people in the process.

"I couldn't believe it," former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told the IndyTribune.com. "Someone yelled out something about his record on abortion and the next thing I knew, Paul was all over them. It was totally crazy."

The Wisconsin congressman landed several punches on a female activist before lunging at various concerned onlookers.

http://www.theindytribune.com/2012/08/paul-ryan-hits-back-at-critics-wounds-5.html

NFL TO FANS: YOU MAKE THE CALL
With talks between the NFL and it’s referees going nowhere, and concerns growing over the competence of replacement officials, the NFL says it will now allow fans to call penalties.

Through a phone-in voting system, viewers will be able to have their say about everything from offside calls to roughing the passer infractions.

“It’s the best solution,’ said commissioner Roger Goodell. “I mean, who cares if the integrity of the game suffers, with a small surcharge applied, this is a revenue stream we never envisioned.”

EASTWOOD TO IKEA: GO AHEAD, MAKE MY DAY-BED

Actor, director and national treasure Clint Eastwood was asked to leave a local Ikea store yesterday, after customers complained he kept talking to the furniture.

“I guess he had so much fun at the Republican national convention pretending to tear into the president, that he wanted to keep it going.” a store manager told NTN.
But freaked out customers weren’t as impressed, and many complained that their attempts to buy pressboard shelves and cheap easy-chairs were thwarted by the incoherent ramblings of the aging Oscar winner.
“Shut up, it’s still my turn to talk,” Eastwood reportedly told a pull out sofa, before taking a seat and enjoying a quick nap.

Femme Shot Putters Unite and More Chick-Fil-Gay! NTN #146

Fri, 31 Aug 2012 07:29:00 +0000

OBAMA AD: NO SERIOUSLY, ROMNEY HATES THIS PUPPY
The Obama campaign has followed up a controversial ad in which Mitt Romney is blamed for a cancer victim losing her insurance, with a spot in which Romney is seen slapping a puppy. The internet commercial features ominous music, a spooky voice-over and an actor who looks like Romney shaking a baby German Shepard. “Politics is a dirty game,” says White House spokesperson David Axelrod. “And we don’t know that Romney has never slapped a puppy, most dog owners do, we’re just putting the question out there.”

FEMALE SHOT-PUTTERS: “GIVE YOUR DAUGHTERS A BIG METAL BALL
Hoping for a post Olympic bump for their sport, the first of its kind Professional Women’s Shot-put league will launch this fall. With teams in four states, there will be a fifteen game/match schedule not including playoffs. “We’re super excited,” said the new PWSPL commissioner. “Women’s soccer has nothing on us, our ball is heavier, and so are our players.” Team names include the Throwers, the Lobbers and the Hefty Big Ballers.

MORE LIKE CHICK-FIL-GAY!
As the public furor and boycott over Chick-fil-A’s anti-gay marriage stance continues to dominate headlines, a new study by the National Institute of Health suggests the fitness level of the average homosexual has improved by 27%.

"It would appear that the statements against same-sex marriage has served as a wake-up call for gays and lesbians," the NIH told Cap News. "As a result, they are making healthier food choices, and that in turn is having one effect: The gays are getting stronger.” The NIH says it is only a matter of time before a generation of genetically superior super homos take over the planet… and make it fabulous.
http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201208006

Ron Paul Still Fightin' and Silly Westboro Peeps! NTN #145

Thu, 23 Aug 2012 05:48:00 +0000

RON PAUL: DOWN, BUT STILL NOT OUT… NO, SERIOUSLY
Even though rival Republican Mitt Romney has already attained the delegates needed to seal the GOP nomination, Ron Paul says he will fight on into 2013, just to see what happens.

Theindytribune.com reports Paul is unwilling to concede defeat, even in the face of mathematically impossible odds. Paul recently told potential delegates that he is still counting on their support just in case something happens.

Says Paul - "Though it would appear the American people are not connecting with my ideas of smaller government, less foreign intervention and a Federal Reserve audit, things can change very quickly in politics. I won't give up on this, dammit."

http://www.theindytribune.com/2012/08/ron-paul-will-fight-presidential.html

WESTBORO BAPTIST: BECAUSE YOU DON’T HATE US ENOUGH ALREADY

The Westboro Baptist Church says it will start picketing drought stricken states. The anti-gay group, known for showing up at military funerals with signs that read “Thank God For Dead Soldiers,” says it’s not been getting the attention it needs so it’s being forced to expand its protests. “The good lord is smiting the heartland,” says a church spokesperson. “That’s why we need to go protest, to show people how much God punishes gay loving states like Kansas by frying their corn crop… please pay attention to us.”

US WINS OLYMPICS… PROBABLY, JUST SAYING

Although they don’t officially keep score at the London summer games because it’s all supposed to be about amateur athletics, sportsmanship and better understanding between nations…. We won.

50 Shades of What and Facebook Fire Sale! NTN #144

Sat, 18 Aug 2012 13:50:00 +0000

FACEBOOK IN THE BARGAIN BIN
Derfmagazine.com is reporting that Big Lots, the chain of discount stores, will begin carrying heavily marked-down shares of Facebook. Stock in the troubled social media network will be available in two-for-one price bins at each Big Lots location. “This is a neat opportunity for our customers to own a product that will soon have only sentimental value,” said a Big Lots spokesperson. The shares will compliment the store’s supply of slightly off color garden gnomes and DVDs for movies you’ve never heard of.

http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/business/big-lots-facebook-shares-cincinnati

THE RYAN WORKOUT: NO PAIN, NO PAIN
VP candidate Paul Ryan says he’ll show the media his last two years of tax returns, as well as a workout video he’s produced called the The Burn Ryan Express. Mitt Romney announced the selection of Congressman Ryan this month, in part because of his conservative credentials, and in part because of his well-documented workout regimen. “I’m going to shape this country up, fiscally and physically,” says Ryan. “Without pain, there’s no gain, and we’re going to start with your core and ending Medicare as we know it.”

SUBWAY: YOU WANT EVERYTHING ON THAT FOOT-LONG?
In a marketing tie-in with the smash-hit erotic novel Fifty Shades Of Grey, Subway is introducing a new Fifty Shades Of Footlong sandwich. Cap News reports a company spokesperson says the new sandwich "will bring you to new heights of flavor you never before thought possible."
So far, consumer response has been overwhelmingly positive. "The new Subway sandwich pinned me up against the wall and dominated my taste buds until I was begging for mercy” an exhausted but happy middle-aged woman told reporters, her legs still shaking as she bit her lip nervously…
http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201208002

Chick-Fil-A Say Yes and Dennis Rodman's Other Books! NTN #143

Mon, 13 Aug 2012 15:49:00 +0000

CHICK-FIL-A – NO TO ‘MOS, YES TO SLOTH, GLUTTONY AND PRIDE

After Chick-fil-A’s owner started a media firestorm by stating gay marriage was “shaking a fist at God,” the company has issued a statement to reassure people that other so-called biblical sins are just fine with them.

“We’re great with gluttony,” said a chain spokesperson. “I mean, look at some of our customers. And if you lust after our delicious fires, well we're down with that as well.” The official says a full list of scriptural transgressions the fast food chain has no problem with will be posted on the corporate website, which will likely not be working on Sundays.

DENNIS RODMAN TO KIDS: MOO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO

Former NBA bad-boy Dennis Rodman has a new children’s book coming out called Dennis the Wild Bull. Rodman says the likely to be self-published offering is only the first in a series that will include titles such as – Dennis the Wild Bull and the happy cows of pleasant farm valley – Dennis the Bull gets arrested for domestic violence because sometimes, you have to raise your pimp hoof – and Dennis the bull goes to rehab and looks for a higher power in an attempt to stay on TV.

HOLLYWOOD TO YOUR CHILDHOOD: HEY SWEETIE, HOW ‘BOUT SOME CANDY?

The battered and bruised collective childhoods of America’s 40 somethings reported to a rape crisis clinic today, after Hollywood producers announced plans to remake The Brady Bunch. “These are some sick bastards who keep violating these cherished memories,” said a clinic spokesperson. “I mean what’s next to remake, My Three Sons, All in the Family?” When asked to comment, a spokesperson for Hollywood said, “gee, thanks for the tip.”

Not Racist Romney and Wristband Recall! NTN #142

Wed, 08 Aug 2012 07:08:00 +0000

LIVE STRONG… AND WATCH THE ACNE AND BACK HAIR

The Consumer Product Protection Agency says it is recalling millions of the LIVESTRONG wristbands after they learned it was manufactured with performance enhancing drugs. Derfmagazine.com reports sampled wristbands were infused with steroids, human growth hormone, diuretics and other stimulants. "I am very disappointed” Livestrong spokesperson Lance Armstrong said in a statement. “I specifically told the manufacturer to put these substances only in my personal wristband.” Armstrong says the foundation will now ask for an extra donation from everyone who originally bought a wristband to cover the cost of the recall.

http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/sports/livestrong-lance-armstrong-steroids
ROMNEY IN ISRAEL: SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE YOU GUYS…

On his recent trip overseas, Mitt Romney continued to raise eyebrows when he told an Israeli audience that the reason their country was doing so well was because of: “their culture, providence, and Jews being really good with money.”

“That’s not racist,” Romney later shouted to reporters before getting on a private jet en route to his next international screw up. “If it’s a nice thing, how can it be racist? Wow, and they say I’m out of touch.”

FLYING QUEENS? WELCOME TO THE FUTURE

The Queen of England says she has some doubts over her roll in the opening ceremonies of the 2012 Olympics.
"There was a time when a monarch was a monarch," she recently told a reporter from Cap News, comparing her role at the games to presiding over vulgar mélange of Les Miserables and STOMP.
"I mean, did I really just appear in some half-witted James Bond spoof?" she asked, referring to Danny Boyle's short film depicting her as a Bond girl who jumps out of a helicopter with Daniel Craig. "And that skinny fellow with the wide face - who was that man? Everyone knows Sean Connery is the only Bond."
http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201207015

Romney Olympics and Katie Holmes' Soul! NTN #141

Fri, 03 Aug 2012 13:40:49 +0000

ROMNEY ON HORSE BALLET: WHY IS NBC HIDING THIS… OH WAIT
Mitt Romney has had another rough day on the campaign trail, complaining during a news conference that NBC wasn’t showing enough Olympic dressage events, then later walking this comment back saying “only a rich elitist would want to watch horses dance around, and I am not one of those.”

Romney’s wife is the owner of one of the horses competing at the London games. Campaign workers say off the record that this is what happens when the candidate tries to placate several key voting groups at once, including his wealthy conservative base, other horse owners, southern rednecks, white independents, birthers, sports fans and, of course, his wife.

NRA: GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE, MOVIES DO
The NRA, taking some heat for its response to the Aurora Colorado Theater shooting, says it’ll push back with a tough new ad campaign. The new NRA slogan – Guns Don’t Kill People – Hollywood Does – will start appearing on billboards, TV ads and bumper stickers.
NRA president Wayne LaPierre told reporters: “We want people to focus on the real culprit here, Hollywood, and obviously movie sequels.” LaPierre says if movies weren’t being made and people didn’t gather in public places, gun ownership and the right to carry a semi-automatic weapon would be a non-issue.

KATIE HOLMES – KEEP THE DREAM OF “CLEAR” ALIVE
Derfmagazine.com reports that despite her impending divorce from Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes is still hoping to reach Level 7 of Scientology. Holmes is currently working with a divorce lawyer, and a Scientology advancement specialist to ensure that her standing is not disrupted.

“I’ve just worked so hard to get to this point,” says Holmes. “It would rip me apart if my divorce hurt my chances.”

The Church of Scientology has not officially commented, but an insider told Derfmangazine.com that they’ll focus on the Katie situation as soon as they prove to the world that John Travolta is totally not gay.
http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/entertainment/katie-holmes-tom-cruise-scientology

Africa Says Thanks and Tyler Explains Idol! NTN #140

Fri, 27 Jul 2012 07:40:00 +0000

AFRICA TO WORLD: HEY, CASH WORKS TOO!
The African Children And Teens Council has released a message for all would-be philanthropists thinking of building more schools in Africa: We are all set, thanks.
"We are very grateful for all the aid we have received," an ACATC spokesman told Cap News. "Charities have brought much needed attention to our troubles, but now we've got one school for every four children. Please, I am begging you, stop giving us schools, and please let Oprah know its nothing personal."
http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201204004

FOX NEWS: GOTTA LAUGH OR YOU JUST MIGHT CRY
Fox News will soon announce a plan to include a laugh track for its broadcasts so viewers can tell the difference between the show's serious and humorous segments.
Fox News has aired daily since 1996, and is famous for presenting its "surreal and often hilarious" news agenda in a stylized deadpan manner.

"We don't want our viewers thinking that Bill O'Reilly is being serious when he accuses the president of driving a communist agenda” a Fox official told theindytribune.com. “Some people have found it difficult to know when and when not to laugh."
http://www.theindytribune.com/2012/03/fox-news-to-add-laugh-track.html

TYLER: IF IT WORKED BEFORE…

Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler says he will no longer be a judge on American Idol. “It was such a colossal waste of time,” Tyler told NTN. We think… the singer says he’s going back to heroin. “Prevention boredom injection attention is a way better way to spend my dizzy miss lizzy. After watching the wannabes warble through schlockity schlock in terrifying towns I would never land upon, I need me a high five rocket blast to the moon…, ya know what I’m saying?”

There is no word on a replacement for Tyler, but Fox says other broken down stars wanting to resurrect their careers are welcome to apply.

Obama-Drones Planned and Katie Cult Wooed! NTN #139

Mon, 23 Jul 2012 05:15:00 +0000

OBAMA: DRONING ON AND ON AND ON…

According to Derfmagazine.com, the Obama re-election campaign has decided to use unmanned drones to attend some campaign stops in place of the President. The drone campaign project is the first of its kind in the history of politics, and will reportedly save millions for the incumbent and keep him away from potentially hostile crowds.

“There are going to be some states where we don’t want to spend money campaigning,” explained an Obama strategist. “In lieu of flying the President in, we think the sight of an unmanned drone will serve the same purpose.”
http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/politics/obaa-drones-campaign

COME ON OVER KATIE! CULTS LINE UP FOR EX-MRS. CRUISE

Now that soon-to-be-divorced Katie Holmes is out of the clutches of Scientology, other cults are lining up for a shot at the adorable actress. Branch Davidians, members of the Manson Family and a Mayan group that drinks their own urine have all reportedly extended an invitation. “Hey, if she put up with that space-lord garbage, we’re just a little further down the road with our philosophy” said Gooja Hitler God-face, the Overlord of a hamster worshiping sect in Iowa. “We don’t have E-meters, but we do have hamsters. All hail the wheel.”

SURVEY SAYS...
A recent survey of American adults by the Pew Research Center found that 89% of them were unable to stop playing with their smartphones long enough to participate in a brief survey. “It’s frustrating as hell,” a PEW spokesperson told Cap News. “It’s like no one wants to be bothered answering inane and leading questions anymore. This is where democracy dies people, not to mention my job.”
Of the remaining 11% who did answer the survey, not one could identify their member of congress, but they all knew who Kim Kardashian was.
http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201207006

Tom Cruise Taller and TEA Party Confess! NTN #138

Wed, 18 Jul 2012 07:55:00 +0000

PENN STATE: HERE’S A LITTLE BLIND INDIFFERENCE
In the wake of a damning report about the cover up of sexual abuse allegations at Penn State, the University says it will attach a set of earmuffs and a white cane to the iconic statue of the late Joe Paterno.
“We feel these changes symbolize the calculated indifference Joe Pop showed to young children being abused under his watch” a Penn State spokesman told NTN. And as more information surfaces, the University says it may consider adding a seeing eye dog as well as giving the legendary coach’s likeness an indifferent shrug.

TOM CRUISE: DOES THIS COME IN NON-CRAZY?
As his divorce to Katie Holmes becomes final, Tom Cruise took his first step toward single life by buying a new pair of elevator shoes. Derfmagazine.com reports Cruise hopes the new lifts will alert the world that he is ready to begin dating again.

“Many people would have just given up if they had found themselves in Tom’s situation,” said a local sociologist. “I commend him for overcoming his disability and becoming one of the best midget actors since Billy Barty.”
http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/entertainment/1122.html

TEA PARTY: YEAH, IT’S CAUSE HE’S BLACK

Following recent reports that taxes are actually at their lowest level since before Ronald Reagan was in office, TEA Party officials say it’s time to come clean and admit they dislike the President because of his race.

“We hate to do it, ‘cause blaming him for stuff we thought he did was great for membership,” said a Tri-cornered hat wearing middle-aged man with a misspelled sign. “But as more facts come out, we just gotta own that we make stuff up, he’s black and we don’t like that so much.”

Chief Justice Roberts New SUV and Katie Holmes Lack! NTN #137

Fri, 13 Jul 2012 16:44:00 +0000

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: CHECK OUT MY NEW WHIP, YO!

Fueling the controversy over his vote to support Obamacare, Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts was recently spotted rolling through Washington DC in a tricked out Escalade.

While court officials deny there was any cash payment made for Robert’s surprise vote, FOX news isn’t buying.

“He’s got those high-end rims and everything,” says Bill O’Rielly. “That’s a sixty thousand dollar ride. Someone got to him, probably a powerful black guy, I’m just saying.”

TOMCAT IS NO MORE – HOLMES CITES HER LACK OF A PENIS

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are splitting up, and insiders say Katie is blaming the break on her lack of a penis. “They still care about each other,” says the source with ties to the couple and various Scientology backed relationships, “But Tom is really into male genitalia and Katie just doesn’t have the goods. What can you do?”

KATY PERRY’S BOOBS!

In a surprise move, pop icon Katy Perry’s breasts have decided to part ways with the chart-topping performer, signing a three album, five year deal with EMI.

“We are delighted to have such a valuable property join the EMI team,” a record company exec told Chicagodope.com. “Without a doubt, Katy’s breasts are the force behind her phenomenal success. Although her voice sounds like a lesbian drill-sergeant, those knockers have a charisma that challenges even the most asexual being to sit up and take notice.”
http://www.thechicagodope.com/2011/02/15/katy-perry%E2%80%99s-breasts-sign-8m-deal-with-emi-records/

AG Eric Holder and Bully Victim Piers Morgan! NTN #136

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 16:07:05 +0000

ISSA TO HOLDER: GOVERNING IS HARD!

Cap news is reporting charges of contempt against Attorney General Eric Holder have been dropped after congressional leaders realized they would actually have to read 1300 pages of documents related to the case.
"We are lawmakers, not schoolmarms,” Rep. Darrell Issa told reporters. "Plus it's summertime, and who wants to spend it reading this shlock?” House leaders say they may take up the case again in the Fall, once the Cliff's Notes version is released.
http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201206009

BUS MONITOR’S TRUE IDENTITY REVEALED
The bullying victim in the now famous school bus monitor video was actually CNN host Piers Morgan according to Derfmagazine.com. Morgan was riding the bus as part of an undercover story about American teen culture.

Morgan was visibly shaken by the verbal abuse, and had been in seclusion until finally coming forward with the story. “I could not believe the words that were coming from them,” said the still emotional anchor. “The little filthy beasts just would not let up on me. I’m not sure that I have ever been in a more uncomfortable position, and that includes interviewing Paula Abdul.”
http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/entertainment/bullied-bus-monitor-piers-morgan

GOD TO FLORIDA: WHOOPS, MY BAD!

As Tropical Storm Debby battered the state of Florida Monday, God apologized profusely to the Sunshine State after admitting the bad weather was in fact intended for New Orleans.

According to theindytribune.com, the Almighty is blaming the error on a clerical error. God insists the devastation caused across much of Florida was not a reflection of his feelings toward the state or its people, and assured Floridians that Tropical Storm Debby would soon move on to the south coast of Louisiana "where it will cause unimaginable death and destruction, as intended."
http://www.theindytribune.com/2012/06/god-apologizes-to-florida-storm-debby.html

Mitt Romney's Plan and Anderson Cooper's Hair - NTN #135

Thu, 05 Jul 2012 18:33:09 +0000

ROMNEY: GO WEST YOUNG NATION!
Claiming President Obama's policies are bringing us "closer to Europe," GOP presidential contender Mitt Romney says if elected, he will move the country in a new direction using a fleet of giant tugboats and massive cables affixed to the West Coast.
"Every day, President Obama's failed economic policies are taking us squarely in the direction of Europe," Romney told a crowd during a campaign event covered by Cap News. "As soon as I get into office I will start moving this country west.”
Romney also noted that this kind of shift would put us that much closer to China, where we've sent most of our jobs.
http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201206010

ANDERSON COOPER – YUP, THE RUMORS ARE TRUE

CNN anchor Anderson Cooper says all the talk is true, he’s been coloring his hair for years. “It’s not really gray/white at all,” says the handsome newsman, “But it gives me that gravitas.” Cooper has been on a roll lately with disclosures about himself, recently coming out as Gay and, according to a press release, “shorter than he looks on TV.”

And finally…

ADELE: I’VE GOT A SOULFUL BUN IN THE OVEN

News broke recently that Adele is pregnant, and no one is happier than talk-show host monologue writers. “It’s a godsend,” says a source with The Late Show with David Letterman. “We get to make all these lame puns about who’s been “rolling in her deep,” and “Rumor has it he aint got a rubber for sure.” This crap just writes itself.”

Romney's Running Mate and Lindsay Lohan Innocent! - NTN #134

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 17:59:00 +0000

MITT GOES ALL GOLDEN GIRLS FOR V.P. PICK
In a move that has stunned Washington insiders, Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney has chosen America's favorite comedienne Betty White as his running mate.

"We felt that it was important for Mitt to pick an individual who would generate a favorable buzz and a limited amount of controversy,” Cap News was told by a campaign source. "After all, is there anyone out there who isn't a fan of Betty White these days? She's categorically adorable."

The Romney team hopes when Betty White makes bizarre and inappropriate statements at inopportune times, people will laugh instead of feeling uncomfortable. Sources say the idea is to make Betty the anti-Biden.
http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201206001

LINDSAY: CLEARLY THERE’S A CONSPIRACY
Lindsay Lohan says she wasn’t responsible for a recent car crash when the Porsche she may or may not have been driving was totaled when it ran into the back of truck. This brings to seventy eight the number of things Lindsay says she was not responsible for, including various drug offenses, traffic violations, probation violations and generally just pissing away a promising acting career.

“What can I say,” the adorable, occasionally naked for money actress told reporters while strutting braless into a shopping mall. “They, meaning everyone, are out to get me.”

TANNING INDUSTRY STRIKES BACK, AND BURNS IT A LITTLE, TOO
According to Cap News, The Indoor Tanning Association or ITA, is launching a campaign promoting the healthy effects of sunlight, even when that sunlight happens to cause skin cancer.

"Most cancers are caused by things like cigarettes, pesticides, exposure to radiation, that kind of thing," an ITA spokesperson said in a press release. "But cancer caused by the light of our very own sun - well, what could be more natural than that?"

Look for posters and pamphlets bearing this message to start popping up in cancer wards over the next few months.

Toby Keith, Terrel Owens, Adam Sandler - NTN #133

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 07:13:00 +0000

TOBY KEITH: COURTESY OF THE RED WHITE AND PRE-CHEWED!
Hillbillies and NASCAR fans take note, Dermagazine.com is reporting Toby Keith’s cleverly named “I Love This Bar” restaurant has received national recognition for it's innovative cuisine that caters to the toothless. The chef's creations are said to have allowed thousands of people to leave Keith’s establishment sporting cheery, albeit disturbingly gummy grins.

“We noticed we were getting a lot of requests for rare hamburger,” said an un-named line cook. “Then, we discovered that customers were mashing up the raw burger with ketchup into a stew-like consistency that was easier for them to chew. It dawned on me that we needed to do more to service that toothless segment of our guests.”
http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/business/toby-keiths-restaurant-cininnati

T.O. BOUNCED FROM NFL, IFL, CHATSLAND PICKUP BBQ…
Less than a week after being released by his Indoor Football League team, Cap News reports Terrell Owens was unceremoniously dumped from a pickup game of flag football during a neighborhood barbecue. Witnesses say Owens stormed off the field and spent most of the game sulking by the dessert table.
"No, I don't feel bad at all," Owens' former teammate told reporters. "He was more interested in stuffing his face with my wife's cream cheese brownies anyway.”
http://cap-news.com/story.php?id=201206003

LATEST SANDLER FILM A JOKE… A SAD, SAD JOKE.
Some embarrassed executives at Sony Pictures today, as a leaked memo revealed the Adam Sandler movie That’s My Boy was in fact, simply a parody of other Sandler movies. “This is an awesome send up of the crap Adam’s been churning out for years,” said the un-named executive who authored the document. “It was for our Christmas party, why the hell did anyone release this piece of crap?” In the film, Sandler plays a worse version of the same guy he’s played in every film he’s ever made. It also stars that guy from SNL.

Voter Purge Scott and Snooki's Cookie! - NTN #132

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 21:32:32 +0000

GREAT SCOTT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T VOTE?
Florida Gov. Rick Scott has been removed from his state’s voter rolls. Chicagodope.com is reporting Scott, who has been pressing election officials to purge thousands of registered voters from their databanks based on inaccurate information, now might not be able to vote in November’s presidential election.

“Gov. Scott has demanded we keep people from voting” said the state’s supervisor of elections. “His name was on the list I got from the state so I really had no choice. He was given ample opportunity to prove his U.S. citizenship but failed to do so.” His office says while the Governor was sent a letter allowing for an appeal, but he didn’t respond within the required timeframe as he was busy disenfranchising Latinos and Democrats.

http://www.thechicagodope.com/2012/06/11/gov-rick-scott-purged-from-florida-voter-list/

LOOK, IT’S…. SNOOKI’S COOKIE?
Alleged photos of Jersey Shore’s Snooki leaked online have some people wondering what they’re actually seeing. A spokesperson for Yahoo says he can’t confirm if the shots are of a pre-pregnant Snooki flashing her genitalia to a camera phone, or “some kind of gelatinous sea creature, possibly a cat-fish, that may or may not have herpes.” We’ll keep you updated.

KINGS WIN, CONFUSE LOCAL RESIDENTS
The LA Kings victory over the New Jersey Devils has confused many Angelenos. The Kings wrapped things up with a decisive game six victory in Hollywood, but not everyone was watching as closely as they might have been.

“We knew we were supposed to be burning cars and smashing windows and crap cause we won something,” said an un-named hooligan taking a breather during a post victory riot. “But who are the Kings, is that hockey or something?”

Yes it is.

PETA Does Dog Ride and HBO's Girls Get Sass! NTN #131

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 21:44:00 +0000

PETA TO ROMNEY: DOGS ARE PEOPLE TOO, OR SOMETHING
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is under fire this week for a stunt in which members posed as drivers for the Romney presidential campaign and strapped several of the candidate's grandchildren to the top of a car."In our defense, the kids just loved the ride," a PETA spokesman told Cap News, who noted that Slap and Boot Romney were completely safe and secure in an "airtight kennel."

PETA staged the stunt to draw attention to Romney's 1983 family trip to Canada, in which his dog Seamus was in a kennel tied to the roof of the family station wagon.

PETA says it will soon start printing posters featuring a nude Scarlett Johansson and the slogan: I'd Rather Go Naked Than Ride With Romney, although no one could explain exactly what that might accomplish.

http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201203012

NBC TO NEW LINE: YEAH, JUST NOT FEELING IT
Just a few weeks after the television upfronts, where ad buyers get a look at the fall’s new TV shows, NBC says it’s already pulling the plug on three of its series.

“Why waste time,” a network spokesperson told the media. “Chicago Fire is just Rescue Me but not as good, the New Normal is Modern Family but not funny, and Animal Practice has a freakin’ monkey in people clothes, which I guess was hilarious when Ed Sullivan used to do it.”
NBC says it hopes to do better next year, with shows in the pipeline including HOT COP DOCTORS and SUBURBAN SLUT DANCE MOM COOK OFF.

HBO’S GIRL: GETTIN’ ITS SASSY ON
Under criticism for not having any people of color on it’s new hit show Girls, HBO says next year this tight group of white, entitled besties will be joined by Lattice Afro-Jones, a smart talking black woman who moves in across the hall.

“We needed someone to dispense good advice for our heroes, with a side order of sass,” Girls producer Judd Apatow told E! TV. “And Lattice will do that…. So get off our backs, NAACP, we get it, small bit parts for black people, fine.”

Romney Supercuts CNN Door to Door! NTN #130

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 15:42:02 +0000

SUPERCUTS ON ROMNEY: HE JUST GETS US
Cap News reports presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has secured an endorsement from Supercuts, the hair salon franchise with more than 2,000 locations nationwide.

Romney's hair cutting past raised eyebrows recently when the Washington Post reported that as a high school student, Romney held down a gay student and cut his hair off. But clearly, that story hasn’t scared off some business owners.

"Romney is someone who understands the importance of a good haircut," says a Supercuts spokesman. "And not just his own hair. If he sees someone who needs a haircut, he'll make sure it gets done."
http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201205006

CNN: DELIVERING THE NEWS, ONE VIEWER AT A TIME
After CNN reported its lowest monthly TV ratings in over 20 years, the former news giant announced it will suspend traditional broadcasting and deliver the news door to door.

“We've only got but a handful of folks left watching,” said irascible CNN owner Ted Turner. “Who needs the satellites and what not, we’ll save a truckload just having our reporters ring their doorbells and tell folks what’s what and the like.”

A spokesman for Fox News was reportedly too turgid to respond.

WONDER TWIN POWERS, IN THE SHAPE OF A REBOOT!
Cap News says the success of Marvel's The Avengers has studios scrambling to bring other superhero properties to the screen, including a film featuring Wendy and Marvin from the Super Friends TV series.

"These are some of the most beloved characters in the history of the comics, or at least the Saturday morning television versions of the comics," says a studio insider who denies charges that producers simply want to rape our collective childhoods. "Who will ever forget their adventures doing, you know, all those things they did with the Super Friends?"
http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201205001

Romney And Trump Plus JP Morgan Loses - NTN #129

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 18:23:00 +0000

MITT: JUST KEEPING MY MIND ON THE MONEY
Mitt Romney says he told long time supporter and chronic embarrassment Donald Trump to just leave the money on the dresser following a fundraiser in Las Vegas. Romney has refused to disavow Trump, who continues to insist that President Obama was born in Kenya. “We know, we know,” says a Romney spokesperson. “But money is money, and just cause Trump is nuts, doesn’t mean his check won’t clear.” Romney’s camp says the two men greatly admire one another, and deny there was any kissing on the mouth.

SAINTS TO GOODELL: KEEP YOUR HEAD ON A SWIVEL
Derfmagazine.com is reporting that the New Orleans Saints have issued a bounty on NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. The Saints were recently penalized for allowing cash payments for injuries sustained by opposing players. “Obviously, we are hoping that the appeal process works out to our benefit,” says undaunted Saints head coach Sean Payton. “But we’re also willing to throw a little dough at anyone who takes a good poke at Commissioner Goodell. As a wise man once told me, kill the head and the body will die.”
http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/sports/saints-bounty-roger-goodell

JP MORGAN: OOPS WE DID IT AGAIN

Just weeks after losing $3 billion or more in risky overseas trading, JPMorgan Chase announced it lost another $2 billion this week in a three-card Monte game. Chicagodope.com says CEO Jamie Dimon made the bets himself while leaving a restaurant with his wife.

“I was just trying to get back the money we lost gambling, I mean hedging in Europe,” Dimon told reporters. “It seemed like such an easy way to make our money back. This other guy kept making money. It seemed so easy.”

It always does.
http://www.thechicagodope.com/2012/05/21/jpmorgan-loses-2-billion-in-three-card-monte-game/

Tiger Gets New Coach and Octomom Movie! NTN #128

Wed, 30 May 2012 16:05:39 +0000

ROMNEY: I TOLD ELI TO PASS, AND HE DID, SO WHERE’S MY RING?

Mitt Romney, who recently said he should get credit for the success of the Detroit Auto Industry bailout because as a private citizen he sort of suggested a bankruptcy to no one in particular. And says he’ll also take credit for the Giant’s last Superbowl win. A Romney spokesperson explained that, much like with the bailout, Romney yelled at the TV during the Superbowl, and encouraged quarter back Eli Manning to throw the ball. “Clearly Eli did,” said the campaign official. “So the former Governor should get the credit.”

TIGER WOODS: HAVING SHAFT ISSUES?

Tiger Woods, after failing to win another tournament last week, says he’ll try a new coach and a new harlot. “I’ve got to shake things up,” the former number one golfer in the world told reporters. “It may be my swing coach, it may be the bi-sexual Thai gymnast I’ve been “seeing.” Either way, it’s out with the old, in with the new.”

OCTOMOM PORNO – ACID TO YOUR EYES IS NOT YOUR ONLY OPTION

The so-called Octomom, who made headlines for giving birth to eight children at once, has made a porn film, and experts say you don’t have to blind yourself to keep from seeing it.

“It’s a natural reaction,” says a local psychiatrist. “We don’t want to see things that will upset us or put us off food forever, but the odds of accidentally seeing this film are rare so put down the bleach.” Other suggested ways to avoid the film include destroying your TV, computer and smart phone, or simply becoming Amish.

White House Wishes and JP Morgan Checks Pants! - NTN #127

Mon, 21 May 2012 15:37:26 +0000

WHITE HOUSE: A PRAYER IS A WISH THE HEARTS MAKES… OR SOMETHING

Cap News is reporting the White House has proposed changing the National Day of Prayer to a "National Day of Wishing."

"What is prayer if not a form of wishing” President Obama told reporters. “Wishing for mercy, forgiveness, to win the lottery or that something horrible will befall our enemies."

Obama noted that it would in no way violate the separation of church and state to ask people of all faiths - or no faith - to engage in a nationally sponsored period of abject begging.

http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201005006

JP MORGAN: OH THERE IT IS, GOSH WE FEEL STUPID

Just days after announcing it had lost 2 billion dollars of investor money through a series of questionable trades, JP Morgan now says it found the money in an old suit.

“Color us embarrassed,” said a bank spokesperson. “We’ve just go so much cash laying around, sometimes we misplace it.” He added there is obviously now no need for Washington to tighten regulations on banks, and implored everyone to pay attention to something else.

THE AVENGERS – TOO HARD TO TRIPLE X?

Porn makers who have had great success launching XXX parodies of popular shows and movies, say ripping off the Avengers is going to be tricky.

“It doesn’t lend itself to anything dirty,” said a spokesperson for Vivid Entertainment. “Ass-engers? The Rear-enders? It all feels so forced.” Other titles recently discarded include “The Booty Avengers and something about “Our Iron Man will make you Thor.”

Biblical Romney and Two and a Half Men Get Oral - NTN #126

Thu, 17 May 2012 23:46:33 +0000

JOHN EDWARDS: POLLING THE JURY?
In a shocking turn of events at the John Edwards criminal trial, derfmagazine.com is reporting Edwards has impregnated all five female members of the jury.

Jurors 2, 5, 6, 9, and 11 have all been confirmed to be “in the Edwards way,” and the lead prosecutor says they are now unsure how to proceed because “We believe we have a strong case, but now have to figure out if knocking up jurors will make them more sympathetic to the defendant or less.”

http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/politics/john-edwards-impregnates-jurors

MITT ROMNEY: THE BIBLE WAY… SORT OF
GOP presumptive nominee Mitt Romney told a conservative college audience this week that his definition of marriage comes from the Bible, or at least part of it.

“Marriage should be the way it was in the good book,” Romney told a cheering crowd at Liberty University. “Except for those parts of the bible where people had lots of wives, because even though God was okay with that back then, we need to pick and choose scripture so it fits our political ends, like that crap about loving one’s enemies, I mean, come on.”

TWO AND HALF MEN – AN ORAL TRADITION
After being renewed for its 10th season, the creator of 2 ½ Men says this year will contain more oral sex jokes than ever before.

“BJs are always funny,” said creator Chuck Lorre. “Last year we averaged about one “oral” joke per show, but this year, we’re going for three to four, including one special episode where it’ll be nothing but thinly veiled euphemisms including “snake swallowing, the old gag-reflex tester, and tongue bathing the fire hose.”

Romney Bank Account Plus NFL Endless Draft - NTN #125

Sat, 12 May 2012 18:32:42 +0000

ROMNEY: IT WASN’T MINE, HONEST!
The GOP presumptive presidential nominee is hitting back at an Obama ad poking fun at Romney’s Swiss bank account.

“It wasn’t even my account,” Romney told Meet the Press. “It was our dogs.” Romney explained that in order to not pay taxes on his extreme wealth, he made the dog a shareholder in several companies, then moved the money off shore.

“It’s an unfair attack, Seamus’ paw prints were on the account, not mine. Just ask any one of our thirty accountants.”

UK COMMITTEE TO MURDOCH: NOT SO MUCH ON THE HUMANITY THING

A UK Parliamentary Committee says Fox News founder Rupert Murdoch isn’t fit to run a company, cut his own food or own a goldfish.

The finding comes in the wake of a phone hacking scandal at one of Murdoch’s tabloid newspapers.
The official report says it made the finding to keep Murdoch from harming any other celebrity phone owners, tropical fish that are susceptible to over-feeding, or even himself by trying to swallow pieces of liver too large for his aging esophagus. Murdoch’s family are reported to be greatly relieved.

ARE YOU STILL READY FOR SOME PRE-NFL FOOTBALL RELATED NEWS?
The NFL draft has entered it’s 49th day with Minnesota back on the clock at this hour. ESPN is still live covering the event, which has seen 5,120 players selected so far. Best of the remaining crop of college players include a narcoleptic kicking standout from Freeman Community College in South Dakota and a recent University of Phoenix graduate who goes by the online name of Willyawesome469@gmail.com.

Suicide Down Economy Up and Kardashians Satan Deal - NTN #124

Tue, 08 May 2012 18:01:28 +0000

GOVT TO VOTERS: COFFINS TIED TO ECONOMY
New figures just released show the number of suicides last month are down 11 percent, an indication of an improving economy according to a government spokesperson.

“When people aren’t hanging, gassing, or OD-ing themselves, it means they’re feeling better about things, so hooray for us!” says a Whitehouse spokesperson. GOP officials say while the lack of deaths is good news, because Obama is president, its really not.

DEVIL ANNOUNCES CONTRACT EXTENSION
According to Satan, the Kardashians have re-upped for another four years of shows on E! “We’re thrilled, obviously” said the Dark Lord who also manages the omnipresent family. “They sold their souls for this, and I’m just happy it’s all working out.”

And finally…
NHL: OUR GUYS HAVE BLADES!
Cap News is reporting NHL commissioner Gary Bettman will soon announce that the rule regarding fighting between players will be expanded to allow for the use of brass knuckles and "blackjack" style clubs.

The NHL’s official rule book which deals with the issue of fighting in the sport, will be amended according to Bettman. Article 46.2 of the rule, which defines the roles of instigator and aggressor will be modified to allow the non-instigator of a fight to choose their own weapons. Wow, concussions anyone?
http://crystalair.com/story.php?id=201203014

Google Buys Earth and Nugent Song - NTN #123

Fri, 04 May 2012 16:36:01 +0000

GOOGLE: RESISTANCE IS FUTILE… ALSO SEARCHABLE
Cap News is reporting that Google has agreed in principle to acquire the planet Earth for a record $590.6 billion in cash and assets.

"With the completion of our Google Earth project, we have analyzed every square mile of this beautiful planet and are poised to take Google to a whole new level," says a Google spokesperson. "The world at large will not be able to sneeze without Google knowing about it, and we believe that's a good thing."

http://crystalair.com/story.php?id=200704014

GOP: BRANDING EXTREMISM FOR YOUR FUTURE
Now that President Obama has unveiled his 2012 campaign slogan “Forward,” the GOP has come out with its own motto.

“We’re going with “Yeah, but he’s black!” a Republican strategist told NTN. “It covers all of Obama’s successes with a simple rebuttal – he killed Bin Laden? Yeah, but he’s black. He got rid of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell? Yeah, but he’s black. He saved the American automotive industry? Well, you can see where we’re going with this one.”

And finally…
TED NUGENT: WANGO TANG-OH-OH
Controversial bow hunter and rock star Ted Nugent says despite complaints from “commies, gays and homos,” his new song isn’t meant to be taken literally.

Nugent is well known for calling Hillary Clinton a worthless bitch and threatening to kill the president. But he insists his new song “Kill The President and that Bitch Hillary,” is an allegory.

“That’s a word, right? Allegory?” he recently told NTN. “Yeah, go with that. Freedom!”

North Korea Says Not Fail and Santorum For Life! NTN #122

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 02:08:00 +0000

NORTH KOREA: YOU CALL IT FAILURE, WE CALL IT NOT FAILURE
After a long range rocket broke up in flight and fell into the sea, North Korean media reported that the explosion was exactly what they wanted to happen.

A statement from the dictatorship read in part: “Our glorious nation today celebrated the technical triumph that saw many fish killed despite the traitorous work of several rocket scientists who are now serving this great nation in work camps or through suicide.”

IT’S NOT A CHOICE, IT’S A CAMPAIGN
Pro life groups say Rick Santorum needs to set a good example and carry his dying campaign to term.
“Santorum is very clear that he thinks a woman should never get rid of a fetus even if delivering the child would kill her,” a pro-life spokesperson told NTN.

“So now’s the time to set an example. This thing may be over, but he’s got a message to send to victims of rape and incest.”

GIBSON TO JEWS: THIS TIME, IT’S PERSONAL
And finally,
According to screenwriter Joe Eszterhas, Mel Gibson is still not a fan of Jews. Eszterhas had been working with Gibson on a film about the Macabees, a Jewish army that took over Judea thousands of years ago, and says Mel just doesn’t care for the chosen people. “It’s that whole Christ Killing thing,” says Eszterhas. “Mel took it really personally, even though Jesus being the son of God he could have stopped them any time he wanted, Mel just likes to hold a grudge.” Gibson’s camp could not be reached for comment.

Victoria's Secret New Line and States Adopt Chastity Belts! NTN #121

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 21:53:00 +0000

NTN 121

IF TALKING FAILS, TRY LACE!

Cap News reports that Victoria's Secret will soon unveil its Panacea collection, which designers claim will save even the most desperately floundering of intimate relationships.

"Victoria's Secret understands what women are really looking for when they shop with us," says company spokeswoman. "And we're proud to finally give them what they want: a quick-fix, $26 magic bullet that will instantly solve the myriad problems and frustrations which have long plagued their unfulfilling marriages."

http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201204003
STATES TO BROADS: KEEP YOUR KNEES TOGETHER AND NO ONE GETS HURT
According to Chicagodope.com several state legislatures have passed new laws that require women above the age of puberty to wear chastity belts with the keys held by their fathers—or husbands.

Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Corbett signed the chastity belt bill into law on Monday. Other states are also requiring that any woman caught having sex or using birth control outside of marriage to either wear a scarlet letter A on their clothing or spend time in a public stockade.

The stocks would also be used for new crimes, such as any woman leaving the house without the written permission of either her husband or eldest male relative.

http://www.thechicagodope.com/2012/03/26/more-states-requiring-chastity-belts-scarlet-letters/

And finally…
GUILLEN TO FANS: GUESS WHO I REALLY LIKE?
Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen is in hot water again. During a press conference in which he was forced to apologize for saying he admired Fidel Castro, Guillen raised eyebrows when he added his critics “are worse than Hitler, who was also pretty cool, but not nearly as awesome as Stalin.” Guillen’s suspension is likely to become indefinite.

Jesus Okays Tebow Plus Kardashian's Ovaries! - NTN #120

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 15:48:30 +0000

GOP TO DEMS: NO, YOU HATE WOMEN
The GOP says democrats don’t have any respect for the hardworking women who supervise the nannies that raise many of this nations wealthiest children.

The political attack came in the wake of a Democratic strategist who said Mitt Romney’s wife didn’t know much about working for a living. “Managing nannies and housekeepers is real work,” said a Republican spokesperson. “What Mitt’s wife did wasn’t easy, and to say she lived off her billionaire husband’s wealth may be accurate, but saying it’s not work is just mean.”

NYC PRAYERS ANSWERED - JESUS ON BOARD
It’s official, the son of god has signed off on the Tim Tebow trade. The Christian nation was holding its breath after the Broncos traded Tebow to the New York Jets, but now Jesus has given the move a big thumbs up.

“It feels like a good fit,” Mr. Christ told reporters during a conference call. “New York is a bigger media center, so there’s more opportunity to get our message out.” Jesus then abruptly left the call, as his father had caused a Tsunami in India, and he had some prayers to return.

And finally…
KARDASHIANS AND KARDASHIANS AND KARDASHIANS
Cap News is reporting the eggs in Kim Kardashian's ovaries have signed contracts to star in a reality show with E! Entertainment Television. The show will be contingent on ad support and any of the eggs being fertilized and eventually born.

"It was no picnic making sure that that each of her 35,000-plus eggs was represented in this contract," Kardashian's publicist says. "But we didn't want any other networks to be able to swoop in and option a single one for another show, particularly since it's anyone's guess which one will become the next Kardashian.”

http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201204006

Happy Dwarfs, Heartfelt Cheney and Smart Jessica! NTN #119

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 06:04:00 +0000

HI HO, HI HO, IT’S OFF TO COURT WE GO!
Cap News is reporting the federal Mine Safety and Health Administration has settled a class-action lawsuit filed by the estates of Disney's seven dwarfs, agreeing to pay out $6.3 million. The money is for medical expenses related to mine safety incidents that occurred 70 years ago.

The dwarfs submitted hundreds of reports showing they suffered from a horrifying list of ailments including emphysema, malaria, black lung, and brain damage.

"I think the MSHA misunderestimated our reliance," said the great, great, great grandson of Dopey. “My great grandfather was pretty smart when he started mining, and we can all witnessed the results.”

http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=200603026

CHENEY GETS HEART… ADMITS TO CONFUSION AND FEELINGS
Former Vice President Dick Cheney says he’s confused by feelings of empathy and kindness after receiving a heart transplant.

“We removed a very damaged black organ that pumped a rage-filled bile through his body,” said one of Cheney’s surgeons, “And replaced it with a human donor heart. I guess we should have expected some emotional changes.”

Cheney says he now regrets pretty much everything he’s ever done, said or stood for, and looks forward to spending the rest of his days helping the less fortunate and making amends for “a career of self-serving jingoistic narcissism.”

And finally…
ARE YOU SMARTER THAN JESSICA SIMPSON’S BABY?
Doctors says Jessica Simpson’s unborn child is already slightly smarter than her celebrity mom. In utero tests have shown that when you take age into consideration, the fetus is functioning at a much higher level than her blonde-haired incubator. “Me pregnant, horny,” Simpson said when told of the news, before farting and running off to the bathroom.

Kony Makeover and Canadian Hooker Trouble For Hockey! - NTN #118

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 08:14:00 +0000

MOVE THAT TRUCK FULL OF CHILD SOLDIERS!
Cap News is reporting that just months removed from the cancellation of its Extreme Makeover, ABC says it will re-assemble the show's cast for a new series featuring Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony.

"If anyone is in need of a makeover right now, it's him," says Ty Pennington, who agreed to reprise his role as host and design team leader. "The man has simply been run through the ringer on YouTube - and with video footage that's like half a dozen years old!”

"I tell you, if you haven't seen Joseph Kony lately," added Pennington, "then you haven't seen Joseph Kony."

http://crystalair.com/story.php?id=201203011

OOOOOOOOOH CANADA!
It may soon be legal to operate a brothel in Canada, and while that’s good news for the Canadian whore industry, the National Hockey League is not happy.

A court in Ontario recently struck down a law outlawing houses of ill repute, and it is not sitting well with the hockey establishment. “How are we supposed to compete?” says NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. “They got two things up there, hockey and hookers, and only one of them is even remotely entertaining.” Bettman says if Canadians are given a choice between watching men hit each other with sticks and having safe legal sex with young women, the entire league could collapse.

And finally…
HUNGER FOR EYE PATCHES?
The hit movie the Hunger Games is turning into a windfall not only for Lionsgate Studios but for bow and arrow makers as well as eye-patch manufacturers as well.

“Kids want to look like their hero Katniss,” said the owner of Baby Bows Archery Supplies. “Our stuff is flying off the shelves, and when girls start shooting, you know they’re gonna put some eyes out.”

You're Late, Hoodie Armor, and Jets Phrases - NTN #117

Tue, 03 Apr 2012 07:31:00 +0000

YOU’RE LATE… AND NOT IN THAT WAY
A new law, which permits employers to withhold contraception coverage based on worker performance, has been embraced by a majority of companies in Florida.

"Our receptionist occasionally arrives to work five or ten minutes late," a sunshine state business owner told Cap News. "We're pretty sure it's because she's out partying until all hours, screwing everyone in sight to take advantage of our endless supply of birth control.”

The middle-aged uterus free man later added: "You want your pills, honey? Then be a good girl and show up on time."

http://crystalair.com/story.php?id=201203009

WHEN YOU THINK “HOODIE,” THINK “ARMOR”
Hoodie manufacturers say they’re designing a new line of outerwear that will give wearers some protection against bullets.

This comes in the wake of the shooting death of 17-year-old Treyvon Martin who was walking through a Florida neighborhood while wearing a hoodie, when a self-described neighborhood watch patrolman assaulted him.

“Kevlar is the new it fabric,” said an American Apparel spokesperson. “Right wing whack-jobs are correct when they say the hoodie helped kill Treyvon. Now maybe our clothing can help save lives.”

And finally…
TEBOW TROUBLE IN THE BIG APPLE?
New York sports fans are having trouble coming up with slogans to express how excited they are to get moderately adequate quarterback Tim Tebow in a Jets jersey this season.

“We’ve tried a bunch of stuff,” said a long time season-ticket holder. “He’s Tebow-riffic sucks, We’ve thought Te-boners was too racy, and don’t Tee-se-bow me just didn’t make much sense.“ Other phrases in the running include “I had the Tim of my life and Sure Hope Jesus-boy Doesn’t Suck.”

Pray Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh Dom! - NTN #116

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 14:28:00 +0000

TORNADO ALLEY TO ROBERTSON: SURE, LET’S GIVE IT A SHOT

Towns in the famed “tornado alley” say they have an offer for evangelist Pat Robertson. Robertson recently told viewers that the reason places get hit by these devastating storms is because people don’t pray hard enough.

“We’ll take him at his word,” said an official from Joplin Missouri. “Next time the sirens go, we’ll chain Pat to the post office, if we’ve rebuilt it by then, and let him pray the funnel cloud away. Always nice to see a man of God put his money where his mouth is.”

RUSH TO DOM: I’VE BEEN A BAD BOY
Rush Limbaugh, the conservative radio host who’s been in hot water after calling a Georgetown Law student a “slut” and a “prostitute,” says he expects to have to pay for his poor choice of words when he visits Mistress Gloria for his weekly bondage and anal play session.

“She’s stern, but fair,” says the portly four times married former pill addict. “I know I’ve been bad, and I know she’ll make my rear end pay for it… frankly, I can hardly wait.”

And finally…

MEGA MEDIA MAKEOVER
In a move that industry analysts say illustrates the challenges facing traditional media, Cap News says the Gannet Company will now only run photos of attractive people in its newspapers, including USA Today.
"We asked ourselves: Is there ever a time that a story is better served by showing an ugly person?" said a spokesperson. "And then we answered ourselves: No, there isn't."

Recent focus group studies found that an audience preferred seeing attractive, well-groomed people in their publications. And if a less attractive illustration is necessary - say, for a story on obesity or electrolysis - they preferred a cartoon caricature to a real-life overweight or hairy person.

Well, don’t we all.

http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=200712008

Romney Bat Plan and Lin Racism! NTN #115

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 06:11:00 +0000

Nearly The News #115

NANANANANANANANA ROMNEY!
In a move that shocked Wall Street, Mitt Romney's Bain Capital has purchased Bruce Wayne's company Wayne Industries, threatening thousands of layoffs and across the board restructuring.

"This should have been done years ago," Romney told Cap News "Wayne Industries has been sinking millions of dollars into the research and development department with nothing to show for it. He’s constantly purchasing ridiculous things like grappling hooks, elaborate novelty cars and shark spray. This is no way to run a company.”

ASIAN ASSOC: LAY ON THE LIN-TIMIDATION!
An Asian-American rights group says the treatment Jeremy Lin is getting at the hands of fellow NBA players is racist.

The Harvard educated Lin burst onto the scene a few weeks back, becoming the Nicks starting point guard and unleashing a fan craze known as Lin-sanity.

But the Asian American Anti-defamation League says the way other teams are now guarding Lin smacks of racism. “They’re all over him,” says a spokesperson. “Normally you see an Asian kid on the court, you practically ignore him. So what’s different about Lin? So he can play, does that mean they should treat him differently? No.”

And finally…

MAYOR TO WORLD: SHUT UP, WE ALWAYS LOOK LIKE THIS
Following a string of violent tornadoes in the Midwest this week, Gary, Indiana has been forced to deny reports that it was one of those damaged by the storms.

The mayor of Gary insisted to theindytribune.com that much of the carnage in the downtown area was simply the result of inadequate inner-city funding, poverty and the city's poor infrastructure – not any giant windstorm.

As one anonymous official put it “Frankly, a tornado could only improve this place.”

Romney to Homeless, GOP Dance Off - NTN #114

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 08:54:00 +0000

COLTS TO MANNING: SO LONG AND THANKS FOR MAIMING YOURSELF
The NFL’s Indianapolis Colts have announced they are cutting Peyton Manning’s third and fourth vertebras.
The Super Bowl champion quarterback missed last season with a neck injury, and despite rehab efforts, Colt’s management said they couldn’t justify keeping the 3rd cervical and the 4th cervical on the roster.

“We can’t trust that these parts will work,” said Colts owner Jim Irsay. “We love the rest of Peyton, but some parts, like the neck parts, are really important.”

ROMNEY TO HOMELESS: GET HELP, LITERALLY
The Chicagodope.com is reporting GOP candidate Mitt Romney told a group of homeless protesters they should move in with their servants rather than live on the street.

The protesters, a mix of permanent street dwellers and those who lost their homes through foreclosures, confronted a confused Romney as he left a recent campaign appearance.

“Do your servants have their own homes? Maybe you could live with them?” Romney told the protesters. “No one wants to have to move in with their butler but these are hard times, my friends. That’s why my I’m running for president.”

http://www.thechicagodope.com/2012/03/01/romney-tells-homeless-to-move-in-with-their-butlers/

And finally…
GOP CONTEST SOON TO BE A DANCE OFF!
The Republican party, still looking for a front runner after Super Tuesday’s split decision, says its considering scrapping all future primaries and holding an old fashioned, depression era style dance off.

“Can you imagine the ratings,” said a GOP insider, who described the old-fashioned endurance contests where the last couple standing wins. “Newt and Calista hoofing it out with Romney and his wife? Amazing!”

Experts say frontrunners would continue to be Romney and Santorum – Romney for his ability to do the robot, and Santorum for his affection for all things rhythm method related.

Obama Testicles Found and Lorax With Exxon - NTN #113

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 13:00:00 +0000

OBAMA FINDS A PAIR, AND THEY’RE HIS!
White House officials are crediting President Obama’s tougher tone lately with the recent discovery of his left and right testicles. “They were in a closet of all places” says an anonymous White House source close to the President’s junk. It is believed the President lost his testicle shortly after taking office, which resulted in his caving to Republicans over tax hikes for the wealthy and many of his campaign promises. “Things’ll be different now,” says the source. “At least until he’s re-elected, then they’re probably coming off again.”

I SPEAK FOR THE TREES… AND EXXON

The people behind the movie The Lorax, Dr. Seuss’s beloved story about the importance of preserving nature, say promotional tie ins will help sell the movie’s message. A studio spokesperson says “seeing the fuzzy little Lorax driving a sports car will teach kids that trees are great, but so is looking sexy when you’re cruising around town or heading to the salon to get your brows waxed.” Reports that Dr. Seuss has been heard spinning in his grave have not been confirmed.

And finally…
RIHANNA AND BROWN: THE BEAT GOES ON
Rihanna has beefed up her life insurance coverage. A spokesperson from State Farm says the singer and sometimes punching bag for on again off again boyfriend Chris Brown has doubled her accidental death coverage to a whopping two million dollars. “Now that they’re sort of back together, she’s not taking any chances” said the anonymous insurance agent. “Say this for the girl, she’s pretty smart… that way.”

North Korea Tough Guys and Santorum Aims at Kindergarten - NTN #112

Wed, 07 Mar 2012 08:07:00 +0000

Nearly The News #112

NORTH KOREA STILL BAT-SH*T CRAZY!
Theindytribune.com reports that the leadership of North Korea will soon begin military proceedings against another planet. Newly minted dictator Kim Jong-un has officially set his country’s sights upon “destroying the Sun by any means necessary” according to state media.

Analysts have theorized that either A) what we’re seeing here is basic prison mentality, where a newcomer, not wanting to be anybody’s bitch, walks straight up and picks a fight with the biggest guy in the yard. Or B) Kim Jong-un is simply nuts.
http://www.theindytribune.com/2011/12/kim-jong-un-declares-war-on-sun.html

SANTORUM: KINDERGARTEN IS GERMAN FOR SOMETHING BAD
GOP candidate Rick Santorum says not only are colleges liberal indoctrination factories, but day cares promote socialism and grade schools are nothing more than houses of devil worship where holy scripture is used as toilet paper.

Santorum was apparently doubling down on his criticism of President Obama’s goal of allowing everyone who wants to go to college an opportunity to do so.

“It’s all about sharing in daycares,” said Santorum to Tea Party gathering recently. “And sharing is socialism.” He did not elaborate on his grade school charges, but clearly, Santorum’s early education was far more interesting than ours was.

And finally…
NASCAR: GONNA NEED BIGGER STOCK CARS
According to a new report by the American Institute For Advertising And Marketing, every product known to exist is now an official sponsor of NASCAR.

"What you have is an advertisement being driven past a captive audience over and over again for hours at a time” Cap News quotes a NASCAR official as saying. “It was only a matter of time before our cars were completely covered over.”

Drivers are said to be concerned about ads on the windshields, but NASCAR says it’s a small price to pay to promote Windex and a brand of Lithuanian rectal wipes to all their fans.
http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201202006

Syria Dictator Issues and The Artist DVD with Sounds - NTN #111

Sat, 03 Mar 2012 10:00:21 +0000

SYRIA’S PRESIDENT PREDICTS BOUNCE BACK, MORE SHELLING
As bloodshed continues to spread across Syria, the country's embattled President Bashar al-Assad has seen his approval rating plummet to a record low of 112 percent.

As reported by Theindytribune.com, these new figures come as a heavy blow to Assad, who had enjoyed the support of more than 240 percent of the Syrian electorate, at least according to Syrian government sponsored polling. Demographers do say they expect a bounce-back for the president, as soon as all these pesky protestors are rounded up or shelled to death in their own homes.

http://www.theindytribune.com/2012/02/syrian-presidents-approval-rating.html

MEXICO: NO MAS GRANDE CHIQUITAS

Cap News reports that the Mexican Tourism Board will ban all thong-style bathing suits for men this Spring break.

Often referred to as "banana hammocks," the new rule is designed to keep Mexico’s beaches beautiful, and put the focus back on drunk half- naked co-eds, where it belongs.

http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=200802021

And finally…
THE ARTIST… NOW WITH SOUNDS!
Studio sources say the DVD for best picture winner The Artist will have numerous options for people who might not like the whole silent picture thing. In addition to being able to select the language of the story cards, viewers will also be able to turn on channels that simulate watching the movie next to a screaming child, an old person with candy, and a special Magic Johnson’s theater channel, where people talk back to the screen saying things like “Damn, that dog’s funny,” and “Where’s the sound, beeach?”

Sports Illustrated and Plutonium Is Up! - NTN #110

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 08:34:00 +0000

Nearly The News #110

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED UNVEILS BREASTS
The annual SI swim suit issue is out, and in a shocking move, the editors have chosen a large breasted white blonde woman for the cover.

“I’m so honored,” said the well endowed young Caucasian, who says she plans to use her celebrity to go on to bit parts in Adam Sandler movies. But the woman behind the chest-centered fat mounds has pledged not to forget her fans saying “For all the teen-aged boys who can’t find real porn on their computers, I pray my barely concealed milk-makers give you some masturbatory comfort.”

GOP FIELD: IT’S ALL ABOUT US!
A recent decline in unemployment numbers and an up tick in consumer confidence may be good news for the President, but Republicans say they should get the credit. “All our infighting has people thinking anyone can get any job, so confidence is growing,” says Ron Paul. “We’re the real job creators, wether it’s the attack ad makers, or robo-callers or the folks who make tri-cornered hats, the GOP is putting people back to work.”

And finally…
STRONG BUY FOR PLUTONIUM
Cap News reports the price of weapons-grade Plutonium surged $200 over the past three weeks to an all time high of just over $4,000 per gram according to an international survey. And with the start of terrorist season just around the corner, prices are not expected to drop anytime soon.

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the purchasing power of the average terrorist for Plutonium and other nuclear materials has declined steadily over the past decade with more and more nuclear threats coming from firms with established terrorist programs.

Economists are in general agreement that the recent price hike may help keep nuclear technology out of Iran's hands for at least a little bit longer.

http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=200701023

Girl Scouts 1% and Tom Brady Hair Fail Plus Kim K! - NTN #109

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 15:19:00 +0000

SCOUTS HONOR?
Derfmagazine.com reports that Organizers of the Occupy Movement have strongly condemned the Girl Scouts of America, and say members are planning protests of what they call, “The Cookie One Percenters.”

“Each year, hard working Girl Scouts are sent out to do the bidding of their corrupt overlords,” says an Occupy spokesman. “They simply put a cute little face on a power structure that is set up to benefit an elite group of cookie barons who play by their own rules.” The spokesperson went on to make a bad pun about how the rest of us get crumbs, before heading back to his parent’s basement for well-deserved shower.
http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/business/occupy-girl-scout-cookies

WELL COIFFED HEADS ROLL
After an unexpected loss in the Super Bowl, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has fired his entire hair and makeup team.

According to Derfmagazine.com, Brady’s hair and makeup squad arrived in town hours after the New England Patriots won the AFC championship, but their efforts apparently fell short. According to Brady's wife supermodel Giselle - "My husband throws the ball and the hair team is supposed to do his hair. Is he supposed to do his own hair too? They did a bad job this year and that's why he lost the game."

http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/sports/tom-brady-superbowl

And finally…
KIM KARDASHIAN SAYS CAUTION THE KEY TO MARRIAGE

Kim Kardashian says in a new magazine interview that she’ll be more cautious before tying the knot again, and it appears she means it. Sources at the E! Network are said to be hard at work focus-testing potential grooms, and an announcement as to the wedding date and subsequent divorce is expected soon, likely just in time for sweeps.

Romney, Cancer Breakthrough and Jeremy Lin Mom! - NTN #108

Sat, 18 Feb 2012 10:09:40 +0000

Nearly The News108

ROMNEY: CHRIST WOULDN’T WEAR NO JIMMY HAT
GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney says his opposition to forced insurance coverage for contraception is based on the teachings of his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

“If the Son of God had sex, he would not have worn a condom or insisted his partners be on the pill,” said the devoutly Mormon candidate at a recent town hall. Romney pointed out the Bible never explicitly says women should have birth control coverage, and added that if we criminalize condoms, then only criminals will have fewer kids.

M.I.T.: PINK DOESN’T CUT IT
Cap News reports scientists at MIT have found that, contrary to popular belief, dying everyday products pink does not contribute to curing or treating breast cancer.

"It's been thought for years that carrying a pink water bottle or wearing a pink t-shirt or hat had some link to the successful treatment of breast cancer," said an MIT researcher. "It turns out a patient's chances of survival are pretty much the same no matter what color their stuff is.”

http://crystalair.com/story.php?id=201202001

And finally…
MOM NOT BUYING THE LINSANITY!
New Yorkers are in love with Jeremy Lin, the young un-drafted Asian American point guard of the New York Nicks, but his mom is less than thrilled with his recent performance.

“So he went nose to nose with Kobe, big deal,” says Shirley Lin, who can’t understand why her boy hasn’t won the championship already. “He’s been in the NBA two years, I don’t know why he doesn’t buckle down and try harder. He brings us nothing but shame.”

Thanks Tiger Mom. Words of inspiration for all of us.

Lebron James for Massengill + Verizon Sexting Plan - NTN #107

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 16:13:43 +0000

Nearly The News #107

MY OLD KENTUCKY PHONE… OR IS IT BONE?
Verizon announced this week the highly successful launch of its family sexting plan throughout Kentucky. As reported on Derfmagazine.com, the rate of sign-ups among brothers, sisters, cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts, and uncles has eclipsed any previous wireless promotion.

  Verizon credits the marketing victory to a sound understanding of local culture. "Our team tailored a wireless product perfectly suited for the high rate of inbreeding in this specific region of the country,’ said a Verizon official. “We did our homework and developed a product valued by Kentucky families, and the people who love them."

http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/business/548.html

A PIRATE LIFE FOR ME… NOT!
A new Somali pirate recruit says his first few days at sea haven’t lived up to their billing, and he’s blaming Hollywood. “Everyone in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies was so nice looking, and it’s just not true,” said the 19 year old who declined to give his name. “And the women, they’re all riddled with disease. Sure, they’re skinny like Keira Knightly, but it’s not the same. And what with the NAVY Seals all over the place? No fair. If my village still existed, I’d go home.”

And finally…
MASSENGILL AND LEBRON: TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE
Cap News is reporting that NBA star Lebron James has signed an exclusive contract with GlaxoSmithKline to endorse the Massengill line of feminine hygiene products.

"Lebron James needs to endorse what's right for Lebron James - whatever is going to give Lebron James the chance to make the most money," James recently announced. "I am going to bring my considerable talents to the Massengill line. Just like I am the best at the game of basketball, they are the best at doing whatever douches do. And I would know. I'm Lebron James.”

He certainly is.

http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201007005

Solyndra Unshine, Paterno Rolls and Seal Dateless - NTN #106

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 13:42:04 +0000

Nearly The News #106

LET THE DEFAULTED LOANS SHINE IN
A source inside the Obama administration has told Cap News that the solar panels produced by the now defunct Solyndra actually gave the sun more power.

"The sun has never been brighter," said the anonymous source. "We can literally trace how much bigger and hotter its gotten during the time Solyndra was in operation."

Former Solyndra officials indicated that the schematics for the solar panels were drawn backwards, causing a reflective effect, which delivered energy back to the source. The diameter of our sun increased several thousand miles over the course of six years, during which time solar flares reached an all time high, frequently interrupting cell phone service.
http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201201011

ROLLIN’ JOE, ROLLIN’ SLOW
Derfmagazine.com says Penn State’s athletic department has confirmed that the on-campus statue of Joe Paterno has been outfitted with wheels so that it can be used for coaching and recruiting visits. The statue is expected to play the exact same role in recruiting and coaching as Joe Paterno did over the past decade.

 Despite losing his job after failing to report allegations of child sexual abuse to police, they still have a soft spot for Paterno at Penn State. “I cannot think of anything that could happen that would make us not want to have him around,” said an un-named official. “And I can’t think of one disgusting, sinister, ungodly ordeal that would change that.”
http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/sports/joe-paterno-statue

And finally…
SEAL: I’VE BEEN DISSED BY A HO…
Famed singer Seal and super model Heidi Klum are divorcing, and experts say it’s highly unlikely the Grammy winning performer will ever be able to bag another woman that hot.

“He’s really shot himself in the foot, and by foot I mean junk” said a dating expert from Maxim Magazine. “I mean, look at her, then look at him. I mean, come on.” The expert went on to say “Seriously, think about it. I mean dude. Really?”

Hot Climatologists, Little Newt and Tebow's Allah - NTN #105

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 14:22:14 +0000

Nearly The News #105

FEEL IT HOT, HOT, HOT!
A new study released this week validated what scientists have been saying all along; the Earth’s climatologists are getting increasingly hotter and may be responsible for melting hearts at record levels.

The Chicagodope.com says researchers using hi-resolution imagery and computer models have found atmospheric scientists have been getting more attractive, and at a faster rate than ever before.

The current field of climate scientists has increased in relative attractiveness by an average of 2.2 points over the last 30 years, moving from fours to solid sixes and sevens.

http://www.thechicagodope.com/2012/01/24/scientists-confirm-earths-climatologists-getting-hotter/

BIG NEWTIN, SPENDING G’S…
Despite a crushing loss in Florida, former speaker Newt Gingrich says he won’t drop out before the Republican Convention.

“I got honies in every hood up and down this bitch,” said the thrice-married GOP candidate, who’s ex wife recently announced her husband has requested an “open marriage.” “Why would I stop now, when there are so many shorties who ain’t tasted little newt yet?”

A spokesman later confirmed that in using the term “little newt,” Gingrich meant his penis.

And finally…
TEBOW: I’D LIKE TO THANK ALLAH AND MY OFFENSIVE LINE
Cap News is reporting that Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow has abandoned his much publicized Christian faith in favor of the world's second largest religion, Islam.

"I've decided that, as an athlete, it's important I have the best teammates," Tebow told a stunned press conference. "And Jesus proved to me this past post season that he simply isn't there for me when I need him."

Tebow added from now on, he would like to be called Faruque Al-Shabaz, and plans to begin a new post score prayer practice known as Shabazing.
http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201201016

North Korea, Michele Bachmann and The Academy Awards - NTN #104

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 12:23:00 +0000

Nearly The News #104

NORTH KOREA: THINGS GETTING EVEN BETTERER
North Korea’s new leader has vowed a new era of prosperity, even though he says his countrymen are all already mega wealthy enough.

“I don’t know how it can get even better, but it will,” said King Jong-un, son of Kim Jong-il. Un went on to predict North, or as he plans to rename it, Super Great More Awesome Korea would soon have a chicken in every pot, a fancy sports cars in every garage, and of course, several actual garages.

MICHELE BACHMANN: GOD HAS IT COMING

Michele Bachmann, who famously told the media that God had told her to run for president, says she’s now suing the almighty for breach of promise.

Bachmann dropped out of the Republican race after a horrible showing in the Iowa caucuses, but she’s not taking her failure lying down.

“Just like a man,” said the non-blinking Minnesotan as she announced the lawsuit. “Making promises, not coming through. Maybe this law suit will make God focus a little less on Tebow, and a little more on me.”

And finally…
ACADEMY AWARDS: AND THE SURVIVOR IS…

The upcoming Academy Awards will feature some changes designed to draw more viewers.
Producers say the Best Actress Nominee Fight to the Death is designed to spice up the six hour-long broadcast, and hopefully detract from Billy Crystal’s unintentionally sad opening dance number.

Early favorites in this category include Meryl “The Shank” Streep and Viola “Black Lightening” Davis.
Best of luck to all the nominees.

Van Halen Assless Chaps; NFL Expands - NTN #103

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 11:39:00 +0000

Nearly The News #103

BUTT-LESS CHAPS: EVERYBODY WANTS SOME!!!
The reunion tour of iconic rock band Van Halen has led to a spike in assless chap sales, according to Cap News and representatives from the assless chaps industry.

"Sales are up more than 300 percent in the first quarter of this year," said a well-ventilated spokesperson. “It's been more of a specialty item the last few decades, so we couldn't be happier."

Assless chaps were first popularized by Van Halen lead singer David Lee Roth in the 1980s, who wore them during concerts, music videos and while relaxing around the house
http://crystalair.com/story.php?id=201201004

NFL SEASON: BIGGER, LONGER, AND WAY HARDER (GIGGLE)
In an announcement sending shockwaves through the sporting world, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has laid out plans to increase the league's regular season from a 16 to an 82-game schedule.

"There's been talk of adding games to the season for some time," Goodell explained to Cap News. "We just added more than most people expected, because frankly, we want to make even more money."

The new format will also see a change to the post season, with playoffs being a best of seven series, and the championship game played over a live volcano.
http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201201005

And finally…

IT’S A MINI-DIVA SENSATION!
Beyonce and Jay-Z’s newborn daughter Blue Ivy has released the first single from her upcoming album, as well as a very healthy stool sample.

“The single is called “Whhaaaa, bitches!” and features vocal support from Lil’ Wayne and Eminem. “For a new artist, she has a feel for music beyond her years,” the happy after-birth covered father told reporters. “And her BM, it’s firm, the right color, there’s not another artist out there who’s pooping at this level.”

Pat Robertson Says Mattress Time and Honey Badgers Care - NTN #102

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:07:27 +0000

Nearly The News #102

GOD TO ROBERTSON: WHO LEFT THE MATTRESS MACHINE ON?
Televangelist Pat Robertson declared Tuesday that God wants the entire world to hold an enormous closeout mattress sale this weekend or face immediate destruction. The Chicagodope.com reports Robertson made this announcement on his 700 Club TV show.

“I heard it loud and clear. God was yelling ‘Sunday, Sunday, Sunday’ and ‘everything must go,’” said the occasionally lucid televangelist. “I knew this was coming, first America accepted homosexuality and now God is threatening to destroy us unless we go out and buy new mattresses.”

http://www.thechicagodope.com/2012/01/10/pat-robertson-says-god-wants-a-mattress-sale/

JUDGE TO SATAN: AND WE’RE WATCHING THE KARDASHIAN’S TOO…
According to the Chicagodope.com, a Philadelphia Court has forced the Devil to return the eternal soul of M. Night Shyamalan for failing to comply with a contract granting the writer/director/producer “unending creative talent and stardom.”

The judge agreed with Shyamalan’s lawyers who said their client’s level of success fell well short of promises made by the Prince of Darkness.

Shyamalan’s attorney argued that his client’s “talent enhancement” clause was never exercised, and presented as evidence the films Lady in the Water, Signs and The Happening.

http://www.thechicagodope.com/2012/01/11/judge-rules-devil-must-return-m-night-shyamalans-soul/

And finally…

RESEARCHERS: JUST LEAVE HONEY BADGER ALONE!

Researchers from the World Wildlife Federation say they’ve come to the conclusion that the honey badger, in fact, does care.

“Honey badger has developed an unfair reputation in recent years,” a well-clawed researcher told Derfmagazine.com. “There is no doubt that he is fearless as he goes after prey. But we found a honey badger’s senses of sympathy and empathy were rather evolved... ya know, for a rodent.”

Well, just goes to show you can’t trust anything you see on the Internet…
http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/lifestyle/honey-badger-cares

Obama Joke Signing, Massengill Bowl and Kardashian Sex Tape - NTN #101

Sun, 15 Jan 2012 13:31:00 +0000

Nearly The News #101

OBAMA TO AMERICA: JUST KIDDING
President Obama, who recently signed a defense bill that authorizes the indefinite detention of American citizens without due-process or trial, has added a signing statement to the legislation to explain his apparent flip-flop.

“When I promised I’d never sign anything like this, I was just joking,” the President said in a written addendum to the bill. “I mean, come on, it was an election thing… just chill, okay? You’ve still got one or two civil liberties left. You can still freely assemble, go do that.”

MASSENGILL DONE WITH BOWLS
The Massengill Douche Bowl was played for the first and last time this week. Freeman Junior College defeated Red River University 21 to 7, in a game dominated by snickering, double entendres and hygiene jokes.
“In hindsight, maybe having the mascot Daisy Douche on the sidelines was a mistake,” said an organizer. Potential replacement sponsors are said to include Depends Adult Diapers and Al Quida.

And finally…
KARDASHIAN TO FANS: COME GET SOME
In a attempt to reconnect with her disillusioned fans Kim Kardashian says she’ll make a new sex-tape. “I plan to raffle myself off to some lucky guy… or girl, say no to Hate!” The professional famous person rocketed into the spotlight years ago when she had intercourse on tape with a rapper, but lost fans when she married and divorced an NBA player named Kris or something.

The big K booty raffle, as it is being called, will be conducted on-line, and covered extensively by People, Okay! Magazine and E! Television in a series of five hour specials.

Kmart Stores Closing, Superbowl Halftime And Iowa Caucus! - NTN #100

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 12:49:49 +0000

Nearly The News #100

K-MART CLOSING – CONSUMERS FORCED TO FIND CRAP ELSEWHERE

The announcement that dozens of Kmart department stores will be closing has hit many of their filthy, uncooperative employees hard. According to
Derfmagazine.com, while the closing stores will put thousands out of work, some are trying to look at the bright side.

“I’m not going to let any of the speculation get to me,” said one ill-groomed Kmart employee. “I’m going to come in to work every day, stand outside smoking, walk around the spills on the floor, and occasionally shoplift stuff if and when we ever get anything good enough in here to steal.”
http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/business/kmart-closing

IT’S HIP TO BE SNUBBED!

Cap News is reporting music legend Huey Lewis And The News is extremely upset at having been passed over to perform at this year's Super Bowl halftime show. Pop icon Madonna will take the stage at this year’s event, a move both groups say is a case of the NFL "playing it safe.”
"I've got 40 years of rockin' under my belt, but I still know how to bring it," said Huey Lewis. "They want edgy? I even have a song about wanting a new drug - you know, one that does what it should."
Officials from the NFL refused to comment, and frankly sounded a little confused when asked about Mr. Lewis… and the news.
http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201112006

And finally…
RICH WHITE GUY WINS PRIMARY
The results of the GOP Iowa primary are in, and a rich white man has come out on top. “I’m thrilled” said the winner, who vowed to take back America and restore pride in our country. Several other rich white males who finished behind the winner say the man is not conservative enough and they will fight on in New Hampshire, but for today, the spotlight belongs to the well funded penis owner who managed to attract literally hundreds of ill-informed white voters to support his message of being scared of black people.

Bank Fees, Christmas War and New Year's Puke! - NTN #099

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 14:57:45 +0000

Nearly The News #99

BANKS TO CUSTOMERS: PAY UP, BRANIACS!
The Chicagodope.com is reporting that several of the nation’s leading banks will soon institute fees for customers who want to think about their money.

“We essentially view this as the price of convenience,” said a Citibank spokesperson. “As stewards of our clients’ money, we are bound by law to keep it safe. Yet, we find that many clients, even after they deposit their money with us, still want to think about it. They can’t have it both ways.”

The new fees are expected to range from $1 to $3 per thought. Compulsive worriers and fans of the Snoop Dogg song "Gin and Juice” are expected to be amongst the hardest hit.

Mind on your money indeed.
http://www.thechicagodope.com/2011/12/24/banks-announce-fee-for-thinking-about-money/

WAR ON XMAS – BABY JESUS / INFANT ISRAELITE

A new ordinance by the Cambridge City Council says any manger scene placed in public view next year must be referred to as a "holiday barn."

According to Cap News, the council decided manger scenes in public might offend non Christians, but if they think of it as sort of a holiday petting zoo, it's fun for everybody.

Other changes under the ordinance will make Christmas trees "holiday tree," a dreidel a "holiday top" and a menorah a "holiday candleholder.”

http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201112014

And finally…
2012 – YEAR OF THE TECHNICOLOR YAWN

Crystalair.com is also reporting on a new survey that shows a majority of Americans started the New Year by vomiting, for the most part involuntarily.

"It seems there is a very common belief that purging oneself is a natural way to put the previous year behind us and start anew," said a spokesperson for the Pew Research Center.

The survey of 5,000 Americans between the ages of 18 and 39 showed that 84 percent drank beer and/or liquor until they "called Ralph on the big white telephone," while the other 16 percent were all like “Dude, I’m so hung right now.”

Who the heck is running things over there at Pew?
http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=200812018

Florida Phys Ed, Post Office Cuts and Devil Battle - NTN #098

Tue, 27 Dec 2011 08:59:32 +0000

Nearly The News #98

BURPEES OR CUPCAKES – ONE STATE DILEMMA

In Florida, a new bill at the state house would eliminate mandatory phys-ed classes for grades six through eight, and replace it with cake.

Republican State Rep. Larry Metz says one of the main reasons behind the proposed law is to leave the decision to offer physical education up to local school districts, and spur the local cake industry. "Simply because an idea may have merit for some does not mean that we should use the power of government to mandate it for all," says Metz, who’s nickname in grade school was Metzer-wiener Girl-boobs.

POST OFFICE CUTS COSTS, ODD NUMBERS

In an attempt to cut costs after running up billion dollar shortfalls, the post office has announced it will now only handle mail with even numbered postal codes.
“We’ll still deliver the mail,” said the Post Master General. “But if you have a zip ending in 1,3,5,7 or 9, you may want to move, or sign up for this email internet thing, which I hear is quite popular.”

DEVIL’S LAWYER: WE’RE GLAD THIS LONG NIGHTMARE IS FINALLY OVER

After 21 years and 12 appeals, the devil has won his long court battle with fiddle player, Johnny.

The dispute began in 1979 when the devil passed through Georgia while looking for a soul to steal. He came across the fiddle playing Johnny and, according to court documents obtained by texascockroach.com, bet a golden fiddle against Johnny’s soul in a contest of musical playing prowess.

It was accepted that Johnny had won the duel because the devil bowed his head and placed his golden fiddle at Johnny’s feet.

But the devil has always maintained that gesture was simply a taunt – not a concession, and today the courts finally agreed.

The devil had no comment after the verdict, but was reportedly busy making arrangements to not only retrieve his golden fiddle, but preparing a special forced sodomy for Johnny.

Rick Perry, Jerry Sandusky and James Cameron - NTN #097

Sat, 24 Dec 2011 07:24:52 +0000

Nearly The News #097

RICK PERRY: GETTING’ HIS HATE ON

Cap News reports that despite widespread criticism of his campaign ad entitled "Strong," in which presidential contender Rick Perry said: "there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can't openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school,” Perry has vowed to continue alienating huge swaths of the population.

"I will continue to horrify and disgust people until elected president," says the deranged gun-toting Governor, adding future ads will include lines such as…

"There's something wrong in this country when blacks can marry white people but you can't beat one up without getting arrested."

And "There's something wrong in this country when you have to get off a woman just because she says no, but if you go to church on Easter, President Obama will bludgeon you to death."

http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201112005

PROSECUTOR: IF HIS WIFE SAYS HE’S COOL, HE’S COOL

Former Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky's wife Dottie has denied allegations that her husband sexually abused boys in their home, and prosecutors say that’s good enough for them.

“We were gonna nail his ass to the wall,” says a source in the DA’s office. “But if a wife vouches for you, that pretty much closes the case.”

CAMERON TO PLAINTIFF: YOUR MOVIE WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH TO RIP OFF

James Cameron is firing back after a lawsuit claimed he ripped off the story for "Avatar" from an employee at his production company. Cameron says he was far too busy plagiarizing other movies to pay attention to his employee’s script.

“Dear God,” said the Oscar winning director. “All I did was transcribe Pocahontas, Ferngully: the last rain forest and Dances with Wolves, stuck ‘em in space, made the dialogue crap and turned everyone blue. If that’s a crime, then I don’t live in Hollywood.”

Michele Bachmann Tells Truth, Alec Baldwin Bumped + More! - NTN #096

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 06:21:43 +0000

Nearly The News #096

BACHMANN TO VOTERS: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Chicagodope.com is reporting that Rep. Michele Bachmann’s presidential campaign is in full crisis mode after the candidate went off-message by making what appeared to be a factually true statement.

At a recent fundraising, Bachmann observed that there seemed to be considerable support for Israel among Palm Beach County Florida residents.

According to event organizers, there was an audible gasp throughout the room when Bachmann managed to say something that wasn’t a fabrication, exaggeration or outright lie.

A spokesperson for Politifact.com says they deem this statement to be true…”in a stopped clock, blind squirrel sort of way.”

http://www.thechicagodope.com/2011/12/02/campaign-shocker-michelle-bachmann-releases-verifiably-true-statement/

PILOT TO BALDWIN: YEAH, NOT SO MUCH

Actor Alec Baldwin has been bounced from another flight.
You may recall that the 30 Rock star was booted from an American Airlines plane after he refused to stop playing a game on his phone.

Well NTN has learned it’s happened again; this time when Baldwin refused to stop juggling box-cutters despite a request from a Delta flight crew.

“What kind of America do we live in when juggling box-cutters is a reason to force a star off your crap plane…” the increasingly unstable actor tweeted to his fan base. “This is not change we can believe in.”

PETA TO SANTA: F’ U, FAT MAN!

Cap News is reporting that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is attacking Santa Claus for his fur-lined suit and his abuse of flying reindeer.

"What's the message that Santa Claus is sending to the children of the world?" asked PETA spokesman Pam Anderson.

"I'm sure he shows his gratitude to Rudolph and his friends, probably by mounting their heads on the wall and eating their flesh for Christmas dinner."

The first round of ads will appear in such children's magazines as Highlights, Ranger Rick and Cricket, and feature actress Scarlett Johansson nude except for several sprigs of mistletoe.

http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=200812012

Tim Tebow, NHL and Charlie Sheen - NTN #095

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 08:09:00 +0000

Nearly The News #095

JESUS TO TEBOW: IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME

After careful consideration and copious research, Jesus has decided that Denver quarterback Tim Tebow is not the right fit for his fantasy football team.

Derfmagazine.com reports Jesus “tried to give the kid a chance,” but it didn’t work out. Says the son of God - “I knew he wasn’t as bad as some people made him out to be, but I just need someone who will rack up more passing yards. If only he were as good at throwing footballs with that arm as he is at blessing himself with it.”

http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/sports/tebow-fantasy-footbal

NHL TO NBA: THANK GOD YOU’RE BACK

The National Hockey League is breathing a little easier now that the NBA has settled its labor issues.

“There was just so much pressure to pick up the slack,” says NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. “Sports fans like a lot of scoring and highlights and stuff, and we really can’t deliver that. I mean, come on, we’re hitting little rubber pucks on ice with a goalie. They’re a bunch of giants putting balls through hoops, who do you think’s gonna be more popular?”

And finally…

COLOMBIA WELCOMES CHARLIE SHEEN, UPS CROP PRODUCTION

Charlie Sheen says his trip to Colombia has nothing to do with his prodigious cocaine habit, but local coca farmers say they’re boosting their harvest, just in case.

“We love Mr. Charlie,” said a local coca farmer outside of Bogota. “He put my son through college, allowed me to pay off local police, and buy a big screen for 2 ½ Men reruns.”

Sheen says he is in the country to research a movie role, one we assume is about a rich American who loves to do blow.

HBO Boobs, Herman Cain and Delta Luggage Promise - NTN #094

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 12:06:00 +0000

HBO: IT’S NOT TV, IT’S T AND A!
Cap News says a new HBO drama series will "break new ground" in terms of swearing and showing women's breasts.

"There will be a lot of F-words," promised HBO Vice President of Programming Mitch Frankel. "And if there's an occasion to show a woman taking her shirt off, or not wearing a shirt, or putting a shirt on, we’ll show it.”

The yet-to-be-titled series will star an actor who was critically acclaimed in the '90s but who hasn't had a hit recently, and feature several talented character actors whose faces look familiar but whom you can't name.

Also in the cast will be three to five attractive women who don't mind showing their bare breasts on camera.
http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201111008&t=Newest%20HBO%20Series%20To%20Feature%20Swearing,%20Breasts

CAIN ON AFFAIR: NOW WE’RE MAKING PROGRESS

Herman Cain, who’s campaign had been rocked by allegations of sexual harassment, says another women coming forward to allege an affair is a “step in the right direction.”

“She’s not saying I forced sex on her or pushed her head into my lap or anything like the other ones claimed,” says the former Godfather Pizza CEO. “All she’s saying is that she was my mistress, voluntarily. That my friends, is progress. Please buy my book.”

DELTA: WE LOVE TO FLY, YOU MAY NOT

In a move designed to provide consistent customer service, Delta Airlines has announced plans to hire seasonal workers to help lose more luggage.

Derfmagazine.com says Delta was concerned that they did not have the necessary manpower available to screw up the busy holiday travel season, until now. A Delta spokeswoman says: “Delta would like to assure these passengers that we are doing everything we can to ensure that their luggage will be mishandled and sent off to distant lands just like it is during the rest of the year.”

http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/business/delta-airlines-holiday-workers

Congress, Ben and Jerry's, Twinkies - NTN #093

Mon, 05 Dec 2011 06:55:00 +0000

Nearly The News #093

THE SORTA-MEDIOCRE COMMITTEE?

Following the failure of the congressional "super committee" to forge a deficit reduction deal, congressional leaders say they're planning to reconvene the group under a different name.

"I mean, that's a lot to live up to, super committee," says House Speaker John Boehner as reported by Cap News. "It's like, look at me, I'm super, I have a cape, I'm invincible. It's a name that would indicate almost inevitable success, and if you know anything about Congress, you know that's not a message we're comfortable with."

Some new names under consideration include
- The Average Committee 
- The Trying Really Hard Committee -
and  - The Stupor Committee.

http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201111013

CANDIDATES THAT TAKE A LICKING!
The Chicagodope.com says Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream has developed a line of flavors based on the current crop of Republican candidates.

Coming soon to a grocery isle near you will be Mitt Romney’s Vanilla Flip-Flop, Herman Cain’s Empty Chocolate Bliss, Rick Perry’s Brain Freeze, Newt Gingrich’s Third Wife’s the Charm and Michele Bachmann’s Cougar Crunch, a watered-down tea-flavored ice cream with marshmallow fluff and bits of Valium and Prozac.

You can also sink your tongue into Ron Paul’s Libertarian Lime, with salty nuts and peanut brittle, or Rick Santorum’s Google Me Surprise, a rainbow-flavored sorbet with an unspecified “surprise” at the bottom.

http://www.thechicagodope.com/2011/11/22/ben-jerry%E2%80%99s-launches-republican-primary-ice-cream-2/

And finally…
TWINKIES: THE SOFT UNDERBELLY OF THE FOOD PYRAMID
A major American snack-food makers say the decision by congress to designate pizza a vegetable in school lunches means the door is open for declaring Twinkie’s “a vitamin infused fruit flavor log.”

“We’re the same color as an apple,” says a Hostess Brands spokesperson. “There’s some kind of trace of vitamins in there, and as for taste, well that just comes with the refined sugar. What’s the issue?”

Penn State, Rick Perry, Groupon - NTN #092

Tue, 29 Nov 2011 18:46:00 +0000

Nearly the News #092

PENN STATE: WE SEE NOTHING!

The Penn State football program says it will review it’s “don’t ask don’t tell” policy in the wake of a child abuse scandal.

“We’ve always been a sort of live and let live program,” said university Rodney Erickson. “But I guess now when someone sees a child being abused by an adult in our athletic facility, we’ll make a rule they have to call the cops or something. There, happy now?”

PERRY POST DEBATE: SEE, DRY AS A BONE!

Rick Perry, coming off a horrible debate performance in which his mind went blank for 55 seconds, says he showed better command of the issues and his bladder during a recent contest.

“Didn’t wet myself or anything,” the Texas Governor told reporters in the spin room. “Was dry as a bone for the whole thing. Plus I remembered some stuff, so if you have a take away, it’s this: Rick Perry, command of the issues, no pee stains.”

And finally…

GROUPON: DIME BAGS FOR A NICKEL
According to Crystalair.com, Groupon CEO Andrew Mason says he has "big plans" in store for the coupon site, plans that include offering deep discounts on a number of recreational drugs.

"We'll start with your medicinal marijuana, hydrocodone, oxycodone, that sort of thing," said Mason as he rolled a joint with a $50 bill. "Now, whether or not people will actually use them for medicinal purposes, we don't know. We're strong proponents of the honor system here at Groupon.”

http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201111004

Kim Kardashian, Herman Cain, Occupy Wall Street - NTN #091

Tue, 22 Nov 2011 13:01:00 +0000

Nearly The News #091

KIM K GIVES BACK

Derfmagazine.com reports that Kim Kardashian has decided to donate the presents she received for her short-lived marriage to less fortunate attention whores.

“I realize that my marriage was already an inspiration to millions of people,” said Kim. “Yet, I am not done sharing my gifts with the world and look forward to helping young up and coming attention whores.” Kardashian says the process may take a while, because many of the gifts have yet to be opened.

http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/entertainment/kardashian-wedding-gifts

CAIN TO FEMALE STAFFERS: CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

Herman Cain, the presidential candidate who’s campaign has been rocked by allegations of sexual harassment, says he’s decided to pre-pay his female staffers for any future lawsuits.

“It’s only a matter of time before they sue me,” said the former pizza magnate. “So as a businessman, I’m being proactive and paying them out ahead of time.”

GOP pundits have praised the move as another example of why we need a businessman in the White House.

OCCUPY, OCCUPY, OCCUPY

A splinter group from the Occupy Wall Street protests say they’ve had it with the main organization’s lack of cohesion and will immediately start occupying Occupy Wall Street.

An OOWS spokesperson says they plan to set up a tent village inside the existing tent village, until OWS gives in to their demands concerning a more specific message and list of demands.

The same official has denied reports that the new group is already wracked with internal conflict, and has spawned an Occupy, Occupy Occupy Wall Street group. We will keep you posted…

Mitt Romney, Michelle Duggar, Snow Driving Disease - NTN #090

Thu, 17 Nov 2011 18:05:33 +0000

Nearly The News #090

ROMNEY: HEY, I CAN BE THE BAD GUY

Chicagodope.com is reporting three unidentified women have joined the ranks of those who insist they’ve never been sexually harassed by former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney.

“People might think of me as a stick in the mud, but I can be quite a jokester sometimes,” Romney said in response. “It’s possible I might’ve said something that was misconstrued as sexual harassment in the past, we just haven’t found anyone to make that claim yet.”

Romney has been trying to tarnish his image ever since rival Herman Cain’s campaign was wracked by allegations of sexual harassment, allowing him to raise millions in campaign donations.
http://www.thechicagodope.com/2011/11/08/women-reject-mitt-romney%e2%80%99s-harassment-claims/
DUGGAR’S VAGINA: JUST STOP IT!

Michelle Duggar’s vagina says it is suing Michelle Duggar for “child abuse.” The TLC reality TV star recently announced she was pregnant with her 20th kid, but that appears to be one too many for her lady parts.

“I’m a reproductive organ, not a Xerox machine” said Duggar’s vagina through its lawyer. “Why not install a slide and a zipper?”

And finally…
SCIENTISTS: SNOW MAKES YOU DUMB
In medical news, scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have discovered a brain disorder that causes drivers to forget the most basic rules of driving the minute snow starts to fall.

Crystalair.com reports researchers believe Seasonal Driving Disorder, known as SDD, is a neurological syndrome in which the presence of snow causes synapses in the brain to cease firing, forcing people to lose the ability to recall even simple driving procedures like how to maintain a consistent speed, or what the brakes do.

"For years most assumed these drivers were just stupid, or perhaps intoxicated," said a scientist. "But now we know that these people have a serious brain disorder."

http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201110013

Michele Bachmann, Charlie Sheen and Seventh Billionth Person - NTN #089

Sun, 13 Nov 2011 12:18:00 +0000

Nearly The News #089

BACHMANN TO ECONOMY: I’M COMING FOR YA!

Theindytribune.com reports Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann has pledged that, if elected, she will be ready from day one to put an end to the economy of the United States.

Speaking at a campaign rally in her home state of Minnesota, Bachmann outlined her fiscal agenda, insisting that her administration would cut government spending and refuse to increase taxes in an effort to plunge the United States into the lowest depths of total financial ruin.

"There are a lot of contenders out there who think they have a plan for fixing our economy," said Bachmann. "But I will make sure that we no longer have an economy left to fix."
http://www.theindytribune.com/2011/09/bachmann-i-will-put-end-to-economy.html

SHEEN’S NEW SHOW – WILL HE “BLOW” IT?

We here at NTN have learned that Charlie Sheen will soon be back on TV. The cable network FX has picked up Sheen’s Anger Management series, for what insiders are calling a very sizable weight.

“He’s gonna be really happy, kilo wise” said a source close to the deal, who says producers feel by handing out Sheen’s “pay” on a weekly basis, they can keep the troubled star showing up and behaving for all ten episodes.

And finally…

POPULATION: 7 BILLION AND PRAYING

The world saw the birth of its seven billionth person this week… but not everyone is celebrating.
“How many bloody people does your species need,” said the earth, looking exhausted during a recent press conference. “You people are like bed-bugs, you’re ruining my ozone layer and I don’t even want the think of what I’m gonna find at the bottom of the ocean. Keep it in your pants for a few millennia why don’t ya!”

Hmm, sounds like one planet got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning….

Obama Halloween Report; Lindsay Lohan and Canada:US Swap! - NTN #088

Wed, 09 Nov 2011 12:05:20 +0000

OBAMA TO HALLOWEEN: NO YOU SHOULDN’T

Cap news is reporting that President Barack Obama asked parents to be extra vigilant with their children to ensure healthier, more environmentally-sound pranks were pulled this Halloween.

"As a former child myself, I understand the need and desire for a touch of tomfoolery on All Hallows' Eve," said Obama. "But we can't lose sight of what it means to be a healthy prankster, a safe prankster, a conscientious prankster.”

The president then laid out a set of guidelines that include ditching toilet paper for more environmentally-friendly flushable wipes, smashing pumpkins and then bringing the pieces to the local food pantry, and exchanging regular eggs for the healthier alternative of Egg Beaters.

http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=200910014

LINDSAY: I SEE DEAD PEOPLE, AND THAT GUY I USED TO BUY FROM
Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan is getting a glimpse of her future this week as she starts her court ordered community service at the LA county morgue.

Officials tell NTN Lohan will be surrounded by other drug abusers, both living and dead, and will get first hand knowledge of just how her end will come.

“She’s great to have here,” said an official at the morgue. “Although she took a nap once and nearly ended up in a body bag.”

Careful Lindsay, don’t want to lose you yet.

TAKE MY STATE, PLEASE!
Cap News was on hand when officials from the United States and Canada gathered to sign an historic agreement whereby the countries would exchange the province of Quebec for the state of Texas.

"For both governments, this was an easy play," said the US ambassador to Canada. "Our feeling is, if you don't like being part of this country, maybe you'll like being part of theirs better."

And they’re pretty thrilled north of the border as well. "The people of Canada could not be more happy," said Canada's Ambassador to the US, Gary Doer. "Quebec's been weighing us down for quite a while, so this is great news.”

http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=200710013

Baby Naming Trend; Tornado Upside; Obama Employment Pledge - NTN #087

Fri, 04 Nov 2011 11:20:00 +0000

Nearly The News #087 - Mock news, satire for your funny bone!

BABY BAIL OUTS?
Chicagodope.com is reporting an increasing number of new parents are giving their offspring the names of Wall Street titans and the companies they work for.

Take little Morgan Stanley, born Monday at Northwestern Memorial Hospital in Chicago. His parents, Wanda and Robert Stanley say they chose the name to give their child a leg up.

“We want our son to grow up with all the advantages that we never had, like having the government bail him out when he makes a mistake,” said the proud father. “We’re going to teach him that it’s wrong to steal from other people, but if he ever did we’d like for him to avoid going to jail.”
http://www.thechicagodope.com/2011/10/24/wall-street-firms-top-list-of-popular-baby-names/

TORNADO HOME IMPROVEMENT
A violent tornado that ripped through the heartland of America has left thousands of damaged homes looking slightly better, according to theindytribune.com.

Theindytribune.com says locals say the towns of New Castle, Anderson and Daleville benefited most from the disaster.

"When I saw this great big tornado hurling toward us, I was petrified," said one mother of three. "But when I noticed the improvements it had made to my front porch, I got down on my knees and thanked the Lord. Now, my house is only slightly lopsided."
http://www.theindytribune.com/2011/06/tornado-causes-widespread-improvement.html

And finally…
PRESIDENT THREATENS EMPLOYMENT
Theindytribune.com reports that President Obama has repeated his cruel and draconian threats to put more unemployed people back to work following next year's election.

During a controversial speech outside the White House Saturday, Obama addressed the so-called "threat to the nation's welfare" of unemployment, with equally heartless members of congress also calling for the creation of thousands of thankless and miserable jobs for the American people to endure.

"This administration is strongly committed to putting more people back to work," said the President. "We have already introduced several measures to try and stimulate job growth and by next year we aim to put 1.5 million Americans into the careers they are fated to suffer."
http://www.theindytribune.com/2011/10/merciless-obama-still-threatening-to.html

Al Qaida, Ben Roethlisberger, Michele Bachmann Jesus Lied - NTN #086

Sat, 29 Oct 2011 06:28:00 +0000

Nearly The News #086

AL QAIDA: SURVIVOR – ARAB PENINSULA

The terrorist network Al Qaida, rocked recently by high profile deaths in its leadership, says it’s come up with a fun way to get more people interested in killing infidels. “Al Qaida Survivor” will pit a group of wanna-be terrorist leaders against one another to determine who’ll take over the organization. “There’ll be lots of challenges, like throwing acid at unescorted women and bomb-making,” said a spokesperson from a cave somewhere really warm. “Sadly, given all the drone strikes, we’ll probably have to keep the show running for many, many years.”

BIG BEN: IT’S OKAY, I CAN STILL PUSH OFF

Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger says he’s lucky his recent injury was to his “non raping foot.” “I was worried for a bit,” said the controversial Quarterback who’s been accused twice of unwanted sexual conduct. “But thank the good lord, I’ll still be able to tear up the gridiron and the bathrooms of nightclubs for many, many years to come.”

MICHELE TO JESUS: DUDE, WHAT GIVES?
And finally…
Presidential wanna-be Michele Bachmann, whose poll numbers have plummeted in recent weeks, says she’s not too happy with Jesus right now. “I told everyone that God told me to run for President,” she said during a recent interview. “And now, I’m like, okay, enough screwing around Lord, let’s make this happen.” A spokesman for Jesus did not return repeated calls for a comment.

Lion King, Kim Kardashian, OWS - NTN #085

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 05:55:00 +0000

Nearly The News #085

THE CIRCLE OF REALLY BAD DREAMS
Cap News is reporting that Disney Studios re-release of its classic animated film The Lion King, will offer a whole new generation of children the chance to be traumatized when the young protagonist witnesses his father's brutal murder and is tricked into believing he is responsible for the death.
"The scene where Mufasa falls from a cliff and is trampled to death as Simba watches helplessly was probably the single most wrenching emotional moment for millions of children in the 1990s," said Edwin Catmull, president of Disney Animation Studios. "That's what Disney is all about."
Catmull noted that since the new version is in Disney Digital 3-D, the experience will be even more poignant for today's youngsters, who will feel like Mufasa "is falling to his death right on top of them."

VEGAS BOOKIES: SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THE OVER

Gamblers in Vegas are scratching their heads over the continuing marriage of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries. A casino spokesman told NTN that the over/under on how long the relationship would last was two months, three days. “Some bettors are going to take a real bath,” said the source. “But I guess love wins out… or they just haven’t closed their merch deals for their divorce special yet.”

OWS: CHAPTER SIXTY FOUR – VEGAN CABINET POSITIONS
And finally…
Occupy Wall Street, the grass roots movement that has been holding sit ins across the country, has responded to criticism that it is just an unfocused bunch of hippies, lefties and college kids, by releasing a list of demands totaling some six hundred pages.

“We got really cranked last night, took out our Ipads and the words just flowed,” said an OWS spokesperson wearing a mask. “We want more vegan mayors in government, no more bank profits, and like, stop killing animals for lipstick testing… cause that sucks too.”

Other demands from the group include an overhauling of the feds monetary policy, breast feeding rights for the transgendered, and Cheetos.

This episode written by Colin Friesen.

Scarlett Johansson, Steve Jobs and Hank Williams Jr - NTN #084

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 11:02:48 +0000

Nearly The News #084

SCAR JO TEASES HUNGRY BLACK BABIES
Oxfam Ambassador Scarlett Johansson and her breasts visited Kenya this week to see the devastating impact of the drought in East Africa. "The scale of poverty in Dadaab is overwhelming," said Johansson as quoted by Cap News, her breasts apparently jiggling in agreement. While in Kenya, Johansson's breasts posed with dozens of refugees who were glad to see such a prominent American actress's bosoms being brought to bear on their plight.
http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201110004

SAD DAY – SILVER LINING
Apple founder and CEO Steve Jobs may have passed away, but there could be an upside for his young children. An insider tells NTN that for the first time, there’s a real shot the kids might get an Xbox for Christmas. “It might be time to move on to some non apple products in the Job’s house,” said the source, adding “Gears of War can let the healing begin.”

And finally…

HITLER TO HANK: HEY, LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS

Singer Hank Williams Junior’s recent comparison of President Obama to Hitler has drawn even more fire, this time from the dead Nazi leader himself. Williams lost his gig opening broadcasts of Monday Night Football after making the comments on Fox News. And now Adolf Hitler has weighed in. “Don’t need to be dragged into this mess,” said the long dead Nazi in a statement. “Just like to do my time in hell quietly, and I’d appreciate it if you guys could come up with something more clever to call each other when you’re upset. I killed six million people, you really think it’s a fair comparison? Hitler out.”

Obama New Slang, Tea Partiers Chant and Leo Dicaprio - NTN #083

Wed, 12 Oct 2011 04:44:00 +0000

Nearly The News #083

TEA PARTIERS TO FICTIONAL VICTIM: DROP DEAD

At a recent Tea Party sponsored debate on CNN, people in the crowd started chanting “na na na na, hey, hey, hey, goodbye” when candidate Ron Paul was asked if a fictional uninsured man with a serious illness should be left to die.
Responding to criticism after the event, a spokesperson told NTN that this is still America where people can chant for the demise of the non-existent victim of an illness all they want, and this is just an attempt by the main stream media to not focus on finding Obama’s real birth certificate.

OBAMA TO REPUBLICANS: OH IT’S LIKE THAT, IS IT?

A new tough talking President Obama warns that Republicans better “check themselves, before they wreck themselves.” Obama is pushing a new set of spending and tax initiatives, and says he won’t be meeting anyone halfway. “You must be stone cold trippin’” said the President when asked about any potential compromise with the GOP. Obama says he’s often sounded too nice in the past and is trying out some new talking points. When asked for comment, speaker Boehnner said he had “no idea what the President was saying… seriously.”
And finally…

NO PANTIES FOR LEO

Leonardo DiCaprio says the lack of cross-dressing in his new film J Edgar is an acting, not marketing choice. J Edgar Hoover, the former head of the FBI, was know as a closeted gay man who sometimes dressed like a woman. But DiCaprio says leaving that out was not designed to boost the box office. “Who wouldn’t want to see me in a lace corset and panties,’ said the actor. “I just felt that when you portray an historic figure, sometimes you have to leave out the best stuff… or something.”

This episode written by Collin Friesen.

Ralph Nader, LA Dodgers, Charlie Sheen - NTN #082

Sun, 09 Oct 2011 20:22:00 +0000

Nearly The News #082

NADER TO AMERICA: HOW DO I SCREW THEE, LET ME COUNT THE WAYS…

Rumpled activist Ralph Nader says he’s launching a search for left wing challengers to take on President Obama in upcoming Democratic primaries. “We need to move him way left on the issues,” says Nader. “Sure, if we succeed the Republicans’ll waltz back into the White House, but that’s a small price to pay for having the Nader name stay relevant.”

LA DODGERS: CAN YOU THROW IN THAT LAMP WITH THIS?
Crystalair.com says the off-field drama surrounding the Los Angeles Dodgers took an unexpected twist today, when officials confirmed the team was sold to a Pasadena woman at a local flea market. The woman said she plans to give the team to her grandson.
“Oh, I don’t have any use for a professional base ball team and my husband would kill me if I came home with something else we don’t need,” the unidentified 69-year-old. “But my 7-year-old grandson’s birthday is coming up, so this is perfect.”

http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201107005

SHEEN ROAST: SOME BLOOD, NO CANNIBALISM

Officials with Comedy Central say they were happy the Charlie Sheen roast went off with just a little bloodshed but no cannibalism. “A good time was had by all,” said a network spokesperson. “Yes, Steve O got his nose broken, but our fears that the event would devolve into a an orgy of drugs, sex and outright cannibalism were unfounded.” While there were reports of light nibbling at the after party, police were not involved.

Ohio New Name and Kate Plus 8 - NTN #081

Mon, 03 Oct 2011 07:22:00 +0000

Nearly The News #081

OHIO: NAME CHANGE OR ATTENTION GRAB?

The Ohio General Assembly overwhelmingly approved changing the state’s name to Iraq on Thursday in an effort to get federal help for schools and roads. Chicagodope.com is reporting the bill was immediately signed by Gov. John Kasich.
“Over the past decade, Congress gave $120 billion for building projects in Iraq and Afghanistan,” said Kasich. “That’s money that we here in Ohio could certainly use to improve our own infrastructure and create jobs, so steps had to be taken.”
The bill also renames the state capitol from Columbus to Baghdad.
http://www.thechicagodope.com/2011/09/15/ohio-changes-name-to-iraq-to-get-federal-help/

BACHMANN: SHAKIN’ ALL OVER – NOT!

Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann has raised the bar for her fellow presidential contenders by vowing to put an end to the spate of earthquakes that have recently pummeled the East Coast. Crystalair.com says the GOP hopeful said she hopes to “restore dignity, pride and stability” to the New York-Washington region.
“Do we want four more years of Obama-induced natural disasters?” Bachmann asked supporters at a sub shop in Jacksonville Beach Florida. “I think not.”
http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201108011

And finally…

KATE PLUS DEAD WEIGHT

Crystalair.com also says even though her long-running reality show Kate Plus Eight is coming to a close, Kate Gosselin won’t be sitting on the sidelines for long. Gosselin has inked a deal with TLC to appear alongside Tom Bergeron as co-host of a new show called Kids Touch The Darnedest Things. “Kate’ll be awesome” says a source close to the show. “And Tom, well, America likes a little bland with their sassy.”
Hey, good luck to them both.
http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201109006

Rick Perry Shooting, Ben Roethlisberger Wedding and Michelle Obama Anti-Fatties - NTN #080

Tue, 27 Sep 2011 09:53:00 +0000

Nearly The News #080

PERRY TO USA: READY, AIM, PRAY
Republican Presidential candidate Rick Perry says since his highly publicized if sparsely attended national day of prayer failed to solve all of America’s ills, a national day of shooting might just do the trick.

“God clearly didn’t listen to our event last month,” said the Governor of Texas. “So maybe it’s time to wake up the almighty with a vigorous expression of our 2nd amendment rights.” Perry says participants will shoot at targets decorated with the words socialism, big government and taxes, and door prizes will include silencers and armor piercing bullets.

BIG BEN CELEBRATES SEXUAL ASSAULT FREE NUPTIALS
Derfmagazine.com is reporting Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and his new bride held their wedding reception in a hall devoid of restrooms. The decision to make the reception restroom-free was reportedly made by the bride, though other guests agreed it was a good idea.

“The new Mrs. Roethlisberger wanted her wedding day to be perfect,” said the wedding coordinator. “And having the groom wander off into a restroom with one of the bridesmaids falls short of perfection.”
http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/sports/roethlisberger-wedding

OBAMA TO FATTIES: HA HA!

And finally, first Lady Michelle Obama has fired another salvo in her battle against obesity, launching an "Obesity Poster Child" program that will call out one overweight child per week in a national ad campaign.

Crystalair.com quotes the first lady as saying "It's easy to tell people to exercise, but what will really drive the point home is an image of an actual overweight child whose life is bound to be hampered by poor health and social isolation, especially after his or her picture runs in every magazine and newspaper in America.”
http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201106006

Republicans, Obama, Joe Paterno, Ty Pennington - NTN #079

Wed, 21 Sep 2011 09:24:00 +0000

Nearly The News #079

REP’S TO PRES: WE CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Republicans in the house and senate who decided to attend the President’s recent jobs speech still mange to show their contempt for Mr. Obama by plugging their ears and saying “nanananana – can’t hear you!”
Several prominent Republicans decided to skip the event entirely, but those who showed up made themselves known.
“We needed to show our displeasure with his attempts to pull this country out of a recession,” said rep Michele Bachmann. “If he wasn’t saying tax cuts, we didn’t want to hear it.”

JOE PA: THEY’RE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE
The chicagodope.com says football coach Joe Paterno’s advanced age is raising concerns, after the Penn State head coach forgot where he put his linebackers during a recent practice.
According to witnesses, Paterno – the oldest coach in college football at 84– was repeatedly assured that the players were right where he left them, doing drills with the linebackers coach. Despite that, Paterno was later found in the cafeteria on his hands and knees looking under tables for his top-ranked defensive unit.
http://www.thechicagodope.com/2011/09/09/paterno-misplaces-his-linebackers-again/

And finally…
XTRA-TREME HOME MAKEOVER
While taping an episode of Extreme Makeover Home Edition in Cincinnati this week, Host Ty Pennington was notified that his LA home was demolished. According to Derf.com magazine, the house was reduced to rubble due to an administrative error in which Pennington's home address was incorrectly placed on the demolition permit for a future Extreme Makeover episode.
http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/entertainment/423.html

Rick Perry Texify and Kim K Says No Ray J - NTN #078

Fri, 16 Sep 2011 12:35:22 +0000

Nearly The News #078

PERRY TO TEXIFY AMERICA

Crystalair.com is reporting that GOP presidential hopeful Tex. Gov. Rick Perry says he believes the solution to all of America's problems is to quite simply to "just be more like Texas." Perry laid out his three-point plan at a recent meeting of the Legally Employed Texan Latinos Association.

"I don't know what kind of Muslim-Ebonics religion Obama practices, but here in Texas we only got three religions," Perry told the smallish crowd, pointing to guns, high school football and Christianity where people give as much money as they possibly can to the guy with the best hair.
http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201108009

HEADS OR TAIL BACKS
That same website is also reporting a rule change for the NFL season. In addition to video reviews of every scoring play and moving kick-offs to the 35 yard line, the coin toss to determine possession will now be replaced with a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

"We've known for a long time that flipping a coin in the air was an absurd way to determine who gets the ball," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. "We think this new rule removes the element of chance and restores football to a 100% game of skill and concussions.”
http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201109001

KIM K SAYS NO WAY TO RAY J
And finally, this scoop from Derfmagazine.com, who say despite their past relationship, Kim Kardashian and her former boyfriend Ray J were unable to agree on terms for him to videotape her wedding.
Many believed that Ray J would get the job, considering his work with Kim in the past.

“I’m truly disappointed,” said a crestfallen Ray J. “I know just how to videotape Kim and I would have made sure that the wedding video was a thing of beauty… with lots of tongue.”
http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/entertainment/kardashian-wedding

Florida Urinal Chatter Ban and Smack Talk USA to UAE - NTN #077

Sun, 11 Sep 2011 13:39:00 +0000

Nearly The News #077

EYES ON YOUR OWN WORK, FELLA
The Florida State Legislature has passed a bill banning all urinal chatter in men’s’ restrooms according crystalair.com. The bill makes Florida the first state to outlaw such activity, and proponents are thrilled.
Said Sen. Thad Altman, a co-sponsor of the bill: “How many times have you been standing at a urinal, performing your business, and some dude saunters up next to you, whips it out, then starts making small talk about last night’s ball game Well, no more! This is an awesome day for the men who pee in the great state of Florida.”

http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=200907015

ALZHEIMERS WALK MAY BE A SUCCESS
Derfmagazine.com reports that the third annual Warren County Walk for Alzheimer’s began sometime in the recent past, and is possibly still taking place, with walkers from several cities still out there.
A somewhat confused spokesperson told reporters: “When movie houses used to be an affordable way to spend a Saturday, that’s when it was worth going to see a show. Popcorn wasn’t going to set you back a small fortune, we’ll tell you that right now.”

http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/lifestyle/alzheimers-walk

And finally…

USA TO UAE: JUST YOU WAIT, PAL!
According to the U.S. State Department, the United Arab Emerites, a tiny Persian Gulf kingdom left unscathed by recent turmoil in the Middle East, is looking a little too comfortable given the state of the world. Chicagodope.com says as a result, the UAE has been designated a “pompously rogue nation”, refusing to succumb to instability, and stands accused of inciting feelings of inferiority among its neighbors.
The United Nations has also condemned the UAE’s excessive use of political calm along with its defiant flaunting of economic strength and high per capita income.

http://www.thechicagodope.com/2011/03/24/u-s-warns-uae-for-being-just-a-bit-too-full-of-itself/

Anti-Queer Divorce, Branding College Football and Amy Winehouse - NTN #076

Wed, 07 Sep 2011 11:15:00 +0000

Nearly The News #076

YOU’RE HERE, YOU’RE QUEER, GET USED TO IT

Crystalair.com says the Christian Coalition of America, a staunch opponent of gay marriage, has given up that fight in favor of a new tact: banning gay divorce.

"It is an affront to the institution of divorce," said Coalition President Roberta Combs. "If they want to get married so badly, then they should stay that way. Don't be clogging up my court system with your gay marital woes."

The coalition has begun a petition campaign to block same-sex divorces, claiming the wording in current New York state law allows for homosexuals to get together, but not to part.

http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=200607021

BECAUSE TURNER AND HOOCH DIDN’T MAKE SENSE, THAT’S WHY!

Chicagodope.com reports last December’s decision to name the Big Ten’s two divisions “Legends” and “Leaders” has been so wildly unpopular that the Commissioner has decided to make a change.
Jim Delany says beginning with the 2012 football season, each division of the will bear the name of a title character from TNT’s smash hit crime procedural “Rizzoli & Isles.”

“Obviously, Northwestern will be in the Isles division since she’s the hyper-intellectual medical examiner on the show,” Delany said, before admitting “I haven’t quite figured out the rest yet.”
http://www.thechicagodope.com/2011/08/04/big-ten-changes-division-names-from-‘legends-leaders’-to-‘rizzoli-isles’/

And finally…
AMY WINEHOUSE – THE REANIMATED TOUR!

Derfmagazine.com is claiming an initial autopsy report on singer Amy Winehouse finds her time of death occurred in May of 2004.

“The substances that likely killed her also did some amazing things,” said forensic scientist Dr. John Quigley. “The various drugs and alcohol in her system kept her dead body not only animated, but actively recording and performing.”
http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/entertainment/amy-winehouse-death

Conan, John Edwards, Email Spam - NTN #075

Tue, 06 Sep 2011 08:15:53 +0000

Nearly The News #075

HELL NO, WE WON’T RAPE AND PILLAGE!!!

According to Crystalair.com, the Wisconsin-based Brotherhood of Cimmerian Americans released a statement this week denouncing the new Conan The Barbarian movie, claiming that the term "barbarian" is offensive to descendants of Cimmerians, Gaels, Picts, Vanir, Vikings and other warring peoples of the 7th century.
"Like gypsy or retarded, the word barbarian is outdated and offensive," said BCA President Bram Hedstrom. "It's been decades since our people have been known for pillaging cities and lopping people's heads off." The studio declined comment.

http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201108008

EDWARDS TO CONS: FOR GOD’S SAKE, MOUSTURIZE

A story posted on Derfmagazine.com says former Vice Presidential candidate John Edwards is looking forward to establishing a jail based mentor group to teach prisoners how to look exceptionally handsome in their mug shots.

“To look good is to feel good is to be good,” says Edwards, who has been charged with campaign finance violations. “I believe that this program will make an immediate positive impact in the criminal world. After seeing how handsome they can be in their mug shots, these criminals will have a self esteem boost that will make crime the last thing on their minds.”

http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/politics/john-edwards-mentors-prison-group

And finally…

HEY GIRL! YOU’VE GOT FE-MAIL!

Chicago-dope.com reports a recent study out of Northwestern University finds 55 percent of all emails sent last year used “Hey Girl!” in their subject line. This astounding number, totaling nearly 59 trillion emails, make them the primary contributor to the growing mass of inbox clutter, and outstripping the former champion, “A Groupon gift for You.” A spokesman for “Discount Viagra” did not return repeated calls for comment.
http://www.thechicagodope.com/2011/08/13/study-finds-over-half-of-all-emails-entitled-hey-girl/

Rick Perry With Jesus and Dirty Dancing Remake - NTN #074

Sun, 28 Aug 2011 08:07:00 +0000

Nearly The News #074

RICK PERRY: JESUS WILL GUIDE ME, AND BOOK APPEARANCES

Presidential hopeful Rick Perry says Jesus will not only be his spiritual guide, but run his campaign.
The Texas born-again governor says Christ is a good fit for his team, despite all that “turn the other cheek non-sense.” Says Perry, who recently held a day long pray-a-thon in Houston “The Jesus I know is all in favor of gun rights and a balanced budget. Caring for the poor is so first century.”

LEUKEMIA NO! ZOMBIES… MAYBE?

Doctors say a new injection that may be the miracle cure for leukemia is worth the risk, despite the possibility of it creating hordes of brain eating zombies that roam the earth, mindlessly devouring anything in their paths.
The injection eliminated the disease in two of the three patients treated, and shrunk the tumors in the third by 70%.
“We all saw I Am Legend,” says an official from the medical team. “We know cancer cures can lead to a world wide holocaust, but it’s far from a sure thing.”

And finally…

DIRTY DANCING: JOHNNY GETS DAY PAROLE

They’re remaking the iconic film Dirty Dancing, only this time, with a twist.
“We picking it up ten years after Johnny went to jail for the statutory rape of the Baby character,” say the producers. “We all know Jennifer Gray was 16 when Patrick Swayze had sex with her, so we see him get out of jail, having learned what it’s really like to be loved against his will. The story will focus on Johnny learning to dance again despite massive internal injuries to his lower intestine.”
Casting is slated to start soon.

This episode written by Collin Friesen.

Kim Kardashian Wedding, Michele Bachmann, Ashton Kutcher - NTN #073

Thu, 25 Aug 2011 13:17:00 +0000

Nearly The News #073

KARDASHIAN WEDDING/DIVORCE DATE: IT’S OFFICIAL!

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries have set a date for their wedding and divorce.

“We want to time everything for maximum ratings impact,” said the buxom reality TV star.

“On August 20th, we’ll tie the knot, then six months later, we’ll have a People cover when we announce we’re splitting.”

BACHMANN TO NEWSWEEK: WHY YOU HATIN’ ON THE CRAZY?

Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann says her recent Newsweek cover unfairly portrays the mentally ill as dangerous.

“I’m crazy for America, but not dangerous,” said the congresswoman who once predicted the government was setting up internment camps for young people and maintains gay people are possessed by Satan. Says Bachmann - “We need to accept the mentally deficient, and elect them to the White House.”

And finally…

ASHTON KUTCHER: REALLY RICH FOR A REASON

Ashton Kutcher is making roughly 800,000 dollars an episode for his new role on Two and Half Men, and an economics professor thinks he knows why. “He’s freaking gorgeous,” says Nobel prize Winner Paul Krugman. “Are you nuts, I’d pay just to stare at him. Here’s my message to all the kids out there, don’t grow up smart, grow up pretty.”

This episode written by Collin Friesen.

London Rioters, Stock Market and Super Committee - NTN #072

Sun, 21 Aug 2011 12:57:00 +0000

Neary The News #072

WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED… EXCEPT FOR THAT FLAT SCREEN

London rioters say their rage has been fueled by police brutality and inattention in certain low income neighborhoods, as well as the outrageous price of home electronics.

“three hundred quid for flat screen? You must be having a laugh,” said a hooded teen interviewed while crawling out of a store window. “Oh yeah, and cops are fascists, but seriously, no one should pay these prices.”

STOP THE SLIDE I WANT TO GET OFF!

Stock traders have been seen bringing air sickness bags to the trading floor this week as fluctuations have brought on mass nausea.

The wild swings are blamed on the country’s credit downgrade and concerns with overseas markets, but that is little comfort to Wall Street workers.

“I think I’m gonna hurl,” said one bond analyst who already had vomit coating his jacket, before rushing for the nearest shredder bin and unloading his breakfast egg-white omelet.

And finally…

SUPER COMMITTEE ANNOUNCES YUMMY INCENTIVE PLAN

Congresses’ new Super Committee, charged with finding budget cuts in the trillions of dollars, says its members will receive the respect of a grateful nation, and donuts.

“We need to make this job attractive to potential house members,” said Republican leader John Boehner, whose party forced the nation to brink of default this summer. “These are the people who are going to gut the social safety net, I think some free sugared donuts is the least we can offer them.”

This episode written by Collin Friesen.

White House Credit; Newt Gingrich and the Oscars! NTN #071

Tue, 16 Aug 2011 12:32:21 +0000

Nearly The News #071

USA TO WORLD: SUCK ON THAT, HAITI!

After suffering a downgrade in the country’s credit rating, the White House tried to put a positive spin on things by pointing out that there are many countries with worse ratings than ours.

“We’re still way better than Senegal,” a White House spokesman told reporters. “And Haiti, they’re not even in the same league.”

A Tea Party official said while they were happy with the news, they won’t stop pushing their policies until we tie with the Sudan.

NEWT: NO MONEY FOR TWITTER, BUT SOME FOR TWINKIES

Despite published reports that presidential candidate Newt Gingrich paid money for Twitter followers, Gingrich has denied the charge, as well as rumors that he is attempting to loose weight.

“We don’t pay for Twitter or anything that could lower my cholesterol,” said the portly Republican elder statesman who has watched his numbers slide in the polls in recent days. “Did Lincoln diet? Did he pay for Twitter followers? I think not.”

And finally…

RATNER TO DIRECT OSCARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Action film director Brett Ratner, recently tapped to direct this year's Oscars, says his show will feature at least twice the number of explosions as last year's telecast.

"We want to bring some old fashioned Hollywood glamour back to telecast," says the man behind Rush Hour and Rush Hour 2.

"And what says glamour more than things blowing up." Chris Tucker is expected to host.

This episode written by Collin Friesen.

Mitt Romney Magic Underwear, PETA Apes, Hefner Planking - NTN #070

Sun, 14 Aug 2011 13:02:00 +0000

Nearly The News #070

ROMNEY: SURE THE DONATION LOOKS BAD, BUT SO DOES MY WACKY CHURCH!

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is defending himself after a million dollar donation was made to his super Pac by a company that existed for only a few weeks.

“Compared to all the other stuff in my background, like how Mormons didn’t believe blacks were equal to whites until the seventies, this is nothing,” said Romney. “I wear magic underwear that protects me from harm. If you can trust me on that, you can trust me on the donation thingy.”

PETA: WHY YOU HATIN’ ON THE APES, HOLLYWOOD?

PETA says it’s appalled that the new movie Rise of the Planet of the Apes portrays gorillas in such a negative way.

The film features CGI simians attacking various law enforcement types, horses and helicopters.

“When will we stop demonizing our hairy backed brothers and sisters,” PETA said in a statement. “People, or as we call them, animal companion helper mates, should boycott this film.”

And finally…

HEFNER: NOT DEAD, JUST PLANKING

Playboy founder Hugh Hefner threw a scare into his bodyguards recently when he decided to try planking, the internet craze that involves lying very still on a table or some other object.

“We thought he’d finally bit the big one,” said a member of his security team. “How he got up there with his bad hip is beyond us, but we’re just happy he’s okay.”

This episode written by Collin Friesen.

Fox News, Debt Deal And Happy Bday Prez - NTN #069

Wed, 10 Aug 2011 07:23:48 +0000

Nearly The News #069

FOX NEWS: SORRY RADICALS, OUR BAD

Fox news has been forced to apologize to Muslim extremists in the wake of the shooting rampage in Norway.

“We just thought for sure it would turn out be a Muslim terrorist and we went with that,” said a channel spokesperson. “Who knew he’d be a blonde haired Christian. I guess we’ll have to reassess out entire news philosophy. I’m kidding, seriously, can you imagine?”

ROCK BREAKS SCISSORS – BUH BYE MEDICARE!

Congress has finally passed a debt ceiling limit deal, using rock, paper, scissors to finalize some of the sticking points.

Senate leader Harry Reid’s decision to go paper, rock, rock lead to the establishment of a new committee that will look at future cuts to the budget.

House leader John Boehner says he hopes future conflicts will be settled by a game of Kick the Can or, if it’s a matter of national urgency, Red Rover.

And finally…

PRESIDENT TURNS FIFTY, IF YOU BELIEVE THE LAME STREAM MEDIA

Sarah Palin sent President Obama qualified birthday wishes today.

“I’m not saying he’s not turning fifty,” said Palin. “I’m just saying we have questions about his birth certificate and the actual time and place he was born that need exploring.”

She added that if he’s not lying, she wishes him all the best.

Nice to see a little bipartisanship in Washington.

This episode written by Collin Friesen.

Rupert Murdoch, Milk and PMS, Military Lifts Gay Ban - NTN #068

Sat, 06 Aug 2011 13:50:00 +0000

Nearly The News #068

MURDOCH: HEY PARLIAMENTARIANS, GET OFF MY LAWN!

The head of Newscorp Rupert Murdoch told a parliamentary committee in Britain this week that a “senior moment” was the root cause of the phone hacking scandal.

“I think I misunderstood by criy-kee,” said the 80 year-old CEO. “Our reporters said can we hack into 9-11 victim’s voice mails, and when I nodded off, they took that as a yes.”

GOT PMS? HONEY, IT WAS JUST A JOKE!

A coalition of cranky, hormonally plagued women who burst into tears for no reason have forced milk producers to pull a campaign touting the benefits of milk for women suffering from PMS. “We should have seen it coming,” said a milk producers spokesperson. “But once again, we were blindsided, just like we are every month.”

I DON’T KNOW BUT I’VE BEEN TOLD, GAY SOLDIERS ARE MIGHTY BOLD!

The military said with a straight face this week that it would open itself up to gay soldiers.

With Don’t Ask Don’t Tell officially repealed, gay and lesbian soldiers will now be invited to openly serve in the armed forces.

“We’re trying not to make everything sound totally, you know,” said a Pentagon spokesperson. “But making this gay stuff not sound sexual is gonna take some work, and I mean gay stuff in the best kind of give ‘em guns kind of way.”

This episode written by Collin Friesen.

NFL, Paris Hilton and Rick Perry - Nearly The News #067

Tue, 02 Aug 2011 03:34:00 +0000

Nearly The News #067

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME… COME ON, YOU KNOW IT!

Our long national nightmare, the NFL’s dispute between multi-millionaire players and billionaire owners is finally over.

NFL players have agreed to the new deal, which will likely see ticket prices increase. But reps from both sides say screwing the fans is a small price to pay considering the money involved.

PARIS HILTON: WAIT A MINUTE, I THINK THAT WAS RUDE!

Former sex-tape star and ongoing celebutard Paris Hilton recently stormed away from a TV interview with a Good Morning America reporter.

“He asked if I was maybe passé because my new show’s rating sucked,” said the waifish heiress. “And that’s rude. I know what passé means now, and that’s just… uncooth.”

Hilton credits her increased vocabulary skills to a Word A Day calendar that an assistant reads to her in her sleep.

RICK PERRY: JESUS WANTS ME TO RUN OUR COUNTRY

Texas Governor Rick Perry says he wants to do to America what he’s done for Texas.

“We’ve got a debt that’s increased almost 300% under my administration,” said Perry, who is considering a Presidential run.

“We rank almost dead last in terms of kids getting high school diplomas, and don’t even get me started on our pollution levels.”

Perry says people who doubt his experience, should know he loves Jesus, and once, while jogging, shot a coyote with a laser sighted handgun. True story.

This episode written by Collin Friesen.

Michele Bachmann, Spiderman and Tiger Woods Caddy - Nearly The News #066

Thu, 28 Jul 2011 10:18:00 +0000

Nearly The News #066

BACHMANN TO COUNTRY: I’LL GET IN THE MOOD!

Presidential wanna-be Michelle Bachmann says reports that she suffers from debilitating headaches won’t keep her from fulfilling her oval office duties if elected.

“For years, women have done the hard things even when they didn’t feel like it,” says the Republican congresswoman. “I’ll just close my eyes, think of America and let Jesus help me through it.”

TIGER WOODS: WHO’S YOUR CADDY?

Tiger Woods has severed his ties with his long time caddy Steve Williams, claiming Williams is responsible for his recent poor play.

“This’ll totally turn things around for me,” said Woods. “The sponsors who left after I banged all those chicks, my bad knee, my wife leaving me, my lack of focus… it was all Steve’s fault. Yeah, Steve’s fault.”

And finally…

SPIDERMAN REBOOTED…

The trailer for the new Spiderman movie is out… It’s exactly the same story as the version that came out in 2002, but producers say it’ll be better because... it no longer features a big movie star in the lead role… so you won’t confuse it with a movie you’ll actually remember.

Well, looking forward to that.

This episode written by Collin Friesen.

President Ducks Creditors and Harry Potter Reactions! - Nearly The News #065

Mon, 25 Jul 2011 06:25:00 +0000

Nearly The News #065

“AMERICA? THEY DON’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE.”

With talks to raise the debt ceiling stalled, sources say the President is planning to change the White House phone number. “You can’t get blood from a stone, or someone who’s not there,” said a White House source, who says the move is an attempt to avoid creditors like China and whoever else actually now owns this country.

PEDOPHILES ON LAST POTTER – MIXED BLESSING

A spokesman for the North American Man Boy Love Association says he’s got mixed emotions as the final Harry Potter movies heads to theaters.

“We watched Harry Potter grow up on screen,” said the official, “just like we watched unattended kids in the back row. It’s gonna be tough.”

JERSEY SHORE SNUBBED FOR EMMY NOMINATION… AGAIN!

And finally…

In a move that has baffled and angered some Italian American TV critics, MTV's Jersey Shore was overlooked for an Emmy nomination yet again this year.

This is the third time the reality program featuring so called Guidoes and Guidettes has been snubbed.

"Hey what, oooohhhhhh," said a writer for Italian Americans Today on line. "Hey, Jeeez, I mean come on...."

Hey what oooooh indeed...

This episode written by Collin Friesen.

Sarah Palin Doc and Arizona Dust Cloud - Nearly The News #064

Thu, 21 Jul 2011 13:40:00 +0000

Nearly The News #064

UNDEFEATED: SARAH PLAIN COMING RIGHT AT YA!

The makers of the Sarah Palin documentary “The Undefeated” say they will release the pic in 3D to try and bring in a younger audience.

The film-makers say the movie, which takes an uncritical look at Palin’s vice presidential campaign, will be re-mastered so Palin’s “you betcha” will be coming right at ya.

According to Academy Award insiders, yeah, not so much.

MCCAIN: IT’S MEXICAN DUST!

Senator John McCain says the massive dust cloud that engulfed parts of Arizona is the fault of illegals crossing the border.

“They stir up all that dust,” said the aging senator. “Dad gum it, I got no proof, but it’s just logic. Now where’s my TV clicker device, Matlock’s on.”

And finally…

BRIT TABLOID REPORTERS PROMISE TO SHAPE UP… KINDA

After the News of the World tabloid was forced to shut down over allegations its reporters hacked into the voice mail of celebrities and crime victims, a spokesman for British journalists say his members have taken a pledge to stop all illegal activities, except of course for stalking.

“We get that the phone stuff was bad,” said the spokesman, “But following famous people day and night, hiding in their bushes, getting into high-speed chases… well that’s just what a free press is all about.”

This episode written by Collin Friesen.

Facebook Video Chat and Casey Anthony - Nearly The News #063

Sun, 17 Jul 2011 13:26:00 +0000

Nearly The News #063

NEW FACEBOOK CHAT: DUDE LOOKS LIKE DUDE, WTF?

Online protests have sprung up across the nation now that Facebook has unveiled its easy to use video chat system.

“This is disgusting,” said Mark Miller, who goes by the name Elise Bangabunch on Facebook. “Instead of swapping steamy messages, now my “friends” want to see me. How the hell is a “girl” supposed to make a living?”

NEW SEASON OF CURB: LARRY SAID WHAT?

The new season of Curb Your Enthusiasm kicked off recently, and the show’s creator Larry David says there’ll be a whole lot of misunderstandings this time around.

“My character is gonna say something that gets taken the wrong way in pretty much every episode,” says David. “Think of it as Gilligan’s Island, except instead of them not getting rescued every week, I just do something stupid and then some other stuff happens.”

Hmm, looking forward to that.

CABLE NEWS SHOWS TO APPEAL ANTHONY VERDICT

And finally,

Cable news shows say they will appeal the acquittal of Casey Anthony, the woman who was recently found not guilty of murdering her two year old daughter Caylee. “This is too large an opportunity to pass up,” said Headline News’ Nancy Grace. “If news people say someone’s guilty, well then by gum the courts have to listen to us.”

This episode written by Collin Friesen.

President Obama and Gay Unions Plus Glenn Beck Comes Clean - Nearly The News #062

Wed, 13 Jul 2011 14:08:00 +0000

Nearly The News #062

OBAMA: YES ON RINGS, NO ON TONGUES

President Obama, who now says he favors same sex unions for gay couples, still refuses to endorse man on man kissing.

“I get that I should be okay with it,” said Mr. Obama, “but it’s just kind of icky. Two women on the other hand? Hell yeah. Bring that noise all day long.”

CHINA: SUCK IT WORLD, WE OWN YOU

China is celebrating 90 years of communism by taking a victory lap.

“We own your ass,” said an ecstatic government spokesperson during celebrations in Beijing, where large piles of American currency were burned for warmth, even though temperatures were in the 80s.

GLENN BECK ON FINAL SHOW: JUST KIDDING

Fox news firebrand Glenn Beck ended his three year run recently by letting his audience know he was just kidding. It was all a big act.

"Gotcha," said the host in front of his trademark blackboards. "Come on, I was pulling your legs! The end of the world, communists under every bed, the President hates white people, his mom's white for gosh sakes."

Beck now plans to take his comedy act to the internet, or possibly just stand in a park and scare small children.

This episode is written by Collin Friesen.

LA Dodgers Bankruptcy and Pope Tweets - Nearly The News #061

Sat, 09 Jul 2011 13:44:00 +0000

Nearly The News #061

BUDDY CAN YOU SPARE A PAYROLL?

The LA Dodgers, who recently declared bankruptcy, have set up a bake-sale in the stadium parking lot to help them make payroll.

Manager Don Mattingly says the money has been rolling in from fans hungry for “Manny Cakes” and “Shrimp Kemp-tails.” But Mattingly adds the sale is only a temporary solution, until the team is sold or they manage to get their charity car-wash off the ground.

GREEKS UNHAPPY ABOUT NOT-SOCCER

Greek protestors rioted today, and not about soccer.

A spokesperson for the anarchists admitted it was unusual, but said in a pinch, young people can throw rocks for just about any reason, even politics if it comes to that.

SAID THE POPE TO HIS MASSES: OMG!

And finally, the Pope continues to embrace new technology by sending his first Tweet from his Twitter account.

The message, designed to inspire the faithful, read: “Hope you like the new hat… ps. Condoms cause AIDS #infalliblebitches.”

This episode written by Collin Friesen.

Pat Robertson, Kardashian Butt and Bachmann Eyes - Nearly The News #060

Wed, 06 Jul 2011 15:18:03 +0000

Nearly The News #060

PAT ROBERTSON: GOD IS AN ANGRY QUEEN!

Conservative religious leader Pat Robertson says God will destroy America is a hissy fit of wrath over New York’s plan to allow gays to marry.

“Oh, he is p-i-s-s-e-d,” said Robertson on his 700 Club broadcast. “God’s gay anger will smite all the sinners. You haven’t seen gay rage like this since Nathan Lane couldn’t get his latte with skimmed milk!”

Robertson has predicted the end of the world before, but somehow manages to remain on TV.

KIM KARDASHIAN: SO THAT’S WHERE IT WENT

Kim Kardashian’s attempt to show she doesn’t have butt implants with a public X-ray, had the unexpected result of revealing the location of her head.

“OMG,” she told Entertainment Tonight. “People always said it was up there, and I guess they were right. Wanna see my ring? It’s super shiny.”

MICHELE BACHMANN: LOOK AWAY, I DEFY YOU

Michele Bachmann’s eyes say they’re running for the presidency.

Her pupils told hypnotized reporters this week that she would bring conservative values back to the White House, before bringing members of the media up on stage to impersonate chickens.

This episode written by Collin Friesen.

Syria Protestors Surprise; Michelle Bachmann and Tracy Morgan News - Nearly the News #059

Sat, 02 Jul 2011 06:34:00 +0000

Nearly The News #059

SYRIA TO WORLD: YO, WE’RE OVER HERE!!

Pro democracy protestors in Syria say they’ve started tweeting pictures of their penises to try and garner more attention from the American networks.
“Thanks to your Mr. Wiener, we’re learning how the US media works,” said a rebel spokesperson. “Clearly, dying for the principals your country was founded on isn’t that interesting for you all, so here are some shots of our junk.”

BACHMANN ON RUN: DON’T LIKE IT, TAKE IT UP WITH GOD!

Right wing firebrand Michele Bachmann says if you don’t like her running for president, you hate baby Jesus. Bachmann says she felt the calling to run after praying on the matter, and making a vote against her is technically a vote against God’s will. But it appears the Almighty may be covering his bets… Tim Pawlenty, Herman Cain and Rick Santorum also claim God wants them to be president. God was not available to comment on the apparent discrepancies.

And finally…

TRACY MORGAN: GAYS ARE COOL, BUT THOSE ALBINOS…?

Comic Tracy Morgan is making waves again. Morgan recently had to apologize for a homophobic rant against gays in which he said he’d kill his son if he ever revealed he wasn’t straight. But Morgan added that he’d slap the crap out of any albino grandkids he might have. “You’re born gay, I know that now,” said Morgan. “But who decides to be an albino? That’s all messed up.” A further apology from Morgan is expected shortly.

This episode written by Collin Friesen.

Lebron James Talks to God and Sarah Palin Cat Lover - Nearly The News #058

Tue, 28 Jun 2011 12:27:35 +0000

Nearly the News #058

GOD TO LEBRON: NEXT TIME, PRAY HARDER

God has responded to a Lebron James tweet about how the “man upstairs” will know when it’s time for him to win an NBA title. In a prepared statement, the master of the universe, both known and unknown, said “Don’t blame me for your fourth quarter disappearing act, fool. I had money down on your ass. Now if you all will excuse me, I’ve got more important things to do than plan who wins a freakin’ basketball game! Seriously, get over yourself.”

MAYBE AT THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT, GET IT?

Eighty nine year old Harold Camping, the born again Xian who had predicted the end of the world last month, has suffered a stroke… or as his followers are calling it, a partial rapture. “Clearly God has taken the good bits of Harold,” said a Camping follower. “The rest of him will stay here with you gays, Muslims, Jews, Mormons and atheists when the world totally ends for sure this time later this summer.”

And finally…

PALIN: GOV LOL!

The release of hundreds of thousands of e-mails from Sarah Palin’s time as governor of Alaska is providing some real insight into the mind of the potential presidential candidate. Reporters looking over the mail boxes say the former Governor really likes cats, pictures of kittens, videos of cats, links to blogs about cats, and the phrase LOL and OMFGWACC, which we assume means oh my freakin’ gosh, what a cute cat! The governor was also not adverse to passing on chain letters that promised bad luck for those who didn’t forward the message, and pictures of Democrats planking.

This episode written by Collin Friesen.

Playboy Club TV Banned in Utah and Hefner's Wedding Canceled! NTN #057

Sat, 25 Jun 2011 14:16:17 +0000

Nearly The News #057

KLS TV: NO PRE-MARITAL SEX PLEASE, WE’RE MORMON

A Mormon owned NBC affiliate in Utah says it won’t be running the new Playboy Club TV show this fall, as it doesn’t want to offend members who still believe in plural marriage.

“We can’t run the risk of annoying viewers who believe sex outside of marriage is wrong,” said a station spokesman, who quickly added “Yes, God wants us to have lots of intercourse, but only with multiple child brides and other poorly dressed women from the compound.”

NEWT TOSSES A HAIL MARY

With his campaign in shambles and staff members quitting in droves, Newt Gingrich says he’ll change his name to “None of the Above.” “Now when they tell pollsters they want to pick no one, they’ll actually pick me,” says the elder statesman of the Republican party, adding… “It couldn’t get any worse… oh God, tell me it can’t get any worse.”

And finally…

HEFNER: THE WEDDING IS OFF, REALLY OFF

Eighty five year old Hugh Hefner has called off his wedding to 25 year old Crystal Harris. No reason was given for the breakup, but sources close to Harris confirm that she just couldn’t get over the old man smell, which she describes as being “kind of like the icy fingers of death mixed with urine and liniment.”

This episode written by Colin Friesen.

Palin Supporters Burn Books and Edwards Not Guiltyish - Nearly The News #056

Tue, 21 Jun 2011 12:14:00 +0000

Nearly The News #056

LISTEN MY CHILDREN AND YOU SHALL HEAR, YOU BETCHA!

Supporters of Sarah Palin, outraged that history texts contradict their candidates version of Paul Revere’s famous ride, have taken to setting protest fires fueled with school books. Palin recently raised eyebrows with her rambling and inaccurate explanation of Paul Revere’s actions. But her supporters are undeterred. “Books are just book, Sarah is Sarah,” said one Palin fan busy burning a copy of the 9th grade text American History Alive. “If she said Revere shot live monkeys out his butt, that’s what happened. Sarah said it, I believe it, that settles it.”

EDWARDS: I DIDN’T DO IT… EVEN THOUGH I DID, JUST NOT THE WAY YOU THINK

Admitting he did some stuff, but it wasn’t the real bad stuff, John Edwards says he’d plead not guilty to charges that he improperly used campaign funds to cover up an affair.

“Yes, I cheated on my wife while she was fighting breast cancer,” said the one time democratic VP nominee. “But I was careful to always use my own money for the cover up, never any funds from hard working Americans who expected so much better of me.” No trial date has been set.

And finally…

MICHAEL BAY ON TRANSFORMERS III: WE DUMBED IT DOWN, YOU’LL LOVE IT!

Mega producer Michael Bay says the new Transformers Movie will shy away from all that confusing plot business, and focus more on random explosions.

Bay says in Transformers: Dark of the Moon, taking out things like character development and logic in favor of just having stuff blow up at random, freed him as an artist and allowed the studio to tap into an underserved demographic. “We finally realized we didn’t really need any explanation for why stuff was going boom. Now even mouth-breathing idiots who just like loud stuff have a movie they can get really behind.”

Written by Collin Friesen.

Anthony Wiener 100% Pure Wiener and Arnold Schwarzenegger Almost Master Race - Nearly The News #055

Sat, 18 Jun 2011 14:18:00 +0000

Nearly The News #055

ONE WIENER WITH THE WORKS?

Democrat representative Anthony Wiener has now admitted he did send racy photos of his crotch to a woman who was not his wife, but still says he did not augment the picture in any way. “I’ve made some horrible decisions,” said a contrite Wiener at a recent press conference. “But what you’re looking at is all me, 100% pure Wiener.” Photoshop experts seem to agree, saying that while the camera adds ten pounds, it does nothing for length.

USC TO NATION: FINE, WE DIDN’T WANT YOUR STUPID TITLE ANYWAY

While the BCS has officially stripped the USC football team of its 2004 national championship, they will allow the school to keep its sense of entitlement and random smugness. “Sure, they broke some rules,” said a BCS spokesperson. “But to take away everything that defines USC, that would just be punishing the entire self-centered student body for the actions of an entitled few athletes.”

And finally…

GUESS WHO ALSO BANGED THE GOVERNATOR?

Leggy actress Brigitte Nielsen says she had an affair Arnold Schwarzenegger years ago, but claims even though tempted, the two did not attempt to breed a race of super tall, acting-impaired babies. The former Governor has recently admitted he cheated on his wife Maria with the family maid, but this new revelation shows just how close the world came. “The timing was off,” says the co-star of Red Sonja. “Sure, a master race was within our grasp, but he had a thing for the Kennedy’s, and frankly, his steroid use didn’t help matters.”

This episode written by Collin Friesen.

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Syria-sly and J Lo Booty Call - Nearly The News #054

Tue, 14 Jun 2011 08:41:00 +0000

Nearly The News #054

SYRIA-SLY?

Twitter reports from inside Syria say that despite continued protest from citizens looking for political reforms, the Syrian government continues to be a total dick about the whole thing, shooting people and acting all, like, whatever. “OMG,” one young protestor recently posted. “Like, lethal force is so 2010. All we want to do is vote, and most of us are so young we probably won’t anyway, what’s the BFD?”

THIS STADIUM HAS GONE SIX WEEKS WITHOUT CARNAGE

The LA Dodgers, trying to combat falling attendance figures in the wake of a brutal fan beating last month, have unveiled a sign designed to inspire confidence for those coming to games. Taking their cue from workplace safety programs, the parking lot billboard will read “This ballpark has been attempted murder free for X number of days.” Team management said it was the absolute least they could do to win fans back, so that’s what they did.

And finally…

J LO SEX TAPE – ANY TAKERS?

A new sex tape of the glutially-gifted J Lo being shopped by her former husband’s new wife is said to contain up to 20 minutes of nudity, 90% of which is all ass. A spokesperson for Vivid Entertainment says say he’s seen the footage, and it is “booty, booty, booty, til the cows come home booty.” No release date has yet been set.

This episode written by Collin Friesen.

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Pirates Of the Caribbean, NBA and Midwest Storms - Nearly The News #053

Fri, 10 Jun 2011 05:13:00 +0000

Nearly The News #053

A PIRATES’ LIFE FOR ME… NOT

The latest installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise is being ripped for what critics say are gross inaccuracies.

Somali Pirate warlord Osam Ali says Hollywood producers got most of the details wrong, from the way the boats look to the way the women act. “We’re Muslim’s,” said Ali. “Our prostitutes aren’t allowed to fight or sail.”

PLAYOFFS…AND ON, AND ON, AND ON…

Despite suffering criticism for the length of this years playoffs, the NBA has announced changes for next year’s season.

“We’re just gonna go year round,” says Commissioner David Stern. “All series will be best of 27, with the finals a three way knock-out, with aggregate scores and point differentials determining a “last chance” play-in scrimmage.” After making his announcement, Stern reportedly laughed, then tossed a fist-full of dollar bills onto a fire made from old Renaissance paintings.

FINE, WE GIVE UP, HAPPY NOW?

And finally, the entire Midwest has decided to take a few months off following the recent spate of tornadoes and floods. “Look, we’re cooked,” said a spokesperson for a coalition of the natural disaster prone states. “We’ll let you know when we’re back, but for now, just, we need some alone time, thanks for asking.”

And of course, we here at NTN wish them all the best.

This episode written by Collin Friesen.