Nearly The News #107

MY OLD KENTUCKY PHONE… OR IS IT BONE?
Verizon announced this week the highly successful launch of its family sexting plan throughout Kentucky.  As reported on Derfmagazine.com, the rate of sign-ups among brothers, sisters, cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts, and uncles has eclipsed any previous wireless promotion. 



Verizon credits the marketing victory to a sound understanding of local culture. "Our team tailored a wireless product perfectly suited for the high rate of inbreeding in this specific region of the country,’ said a Verizon official.  “We did our homework and developed a product valued by Kentucky families, and the people who love them."

http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/business/548.html

A PIRATE LIFE FOR ME… NOT!
A new Somali pirate recruit says his first few days at sea haven’t lived up to their billing, and he’s blaming Hollywood.  “Everyone in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies was so nice looking, and it’s just not true,” said the 19 year old who declined to give his name. “And the women, they’re all riddled with disease. Sure, they’re skinny like Keira Knightly, but it’s not the same. And what with the NAVY Seals all over the place? No fair. If my village still existed, I’d go home.”

And finally…
MASSENGILL AND LEBRON: TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE
Cap News is reporting that NBA star Lebron James has signed an exclusive contract with GlaxoSmithKline to endorse the Massengill line of feminine hygiene products.

"Lebron James needs to endorse what's right for Lebron James - whatever is going to give Lebron James the chance to make the most money," James recently announced. "I am going to bring my considerable talents to the Massengill line. Just like I am the best at the game of basketball, they are the best at doing whatever douches do. And I would know. I'm Lebron James.”

He certainly is.

http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201007005