Nearly The News #106

LET THE DEFAULTED LOANS SHINE IN
 A source inside the Obama administration has told Cap News that the solar panels produced by the now defunct Solyndra actually gave the sun more power.

"The sun has never been brighter," said the anonymous source. "We can literally trace how much bigger and hotter its gotten during the time Solyndra was in operation."

Former Solyndra officials indicated that the schematics for the solar panels were drawn backwards, causing a reflective effect, which delivered energy back to the source. The diameter of our sun increased several thousand miles over the course of six years, during which time solar flares reached an all time high, frequently interrupting cell phone service.
http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201201011

ROLLIN’ JOE, ROLLIN’ SLOW
Derfmagazine.com says Penn State’s athletic department has confirmed that the on-campus statue of Joe Paterno has been outfitted with wheels so that it can be used for coaching and recruiting visits.  The statue is expected to play the exact same role in recruiting and coaching as Joe Paterno did over the past decade. 


Despite losing his job after failing to report allegations of child sexual abuse to police, they still have a soft spot for Paterno at Penn State. “I cannot think of anything that could happen that would make us not want to have him around,” said an un-named official. “And I can’t think of one disgusting, sinister, ungodly ordeal that would change that.”
http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/sports/joe-paterno-statue

And finally…
SEAL: I’VE BEEN DISSED BY A HO…
Famed singer Seal and super model Heidi Klum are divorcing, and experts say it’s highly unlikely the Grammy winning performer will ever be able to bag another woman that hot.

“He’s really shot himself in the foot, and by foot I mean junk” said a dating expert from Maxim Magazine.  “I mean, look at her, then look at him. I mean, come on.”  The expert went on to say “Seriously, think about it. I mean dude. Really?”