Nearly The News #105

FEEL IT HOT, HOT, HOT! 
A new study released this week validated what scientists have been saying all along; the Earth’s climatologists are getting increasingly hotter and may be responsible for melting hearts at record levels.

The Chicagodope.com says researchers using hi-resolution imagery and computer models have found atmospheric scientists have been getting more attractive, and at a faster rate than ever before.

The current field of climate scientists has increased in relative attractiveness by an average of 2.2 points over the last 30 years, moving from fours to solid sixes and sevens.

http://www.thechicagodope.com/2012/01/24/scientists-confirm-earths-climatologists-getting-hotter/

BIG NEWTIN, SPENDING G’S…
Despite a crushing loss in Florida, former speaker Newt Gingrich says he won’t drop out before the Republican Convention.

“I got honies in every hood up and down this bitch,” said the thrice-married GOP candidate, who’s ex wife recently announced her husband has requested an “open marriage.” “Why would I stop now, when there are so many shorties who ain’t tasted little newt yet?”

A spokesman later confirmed that in using the term “little newt,” Gingrich meant his penis.

And finally…
TEBOW: I’D LIKE TO THANK ALLAH AND MY OFFENSIVE LINE
Cap News is reporting that Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow has abandoned his much publicized Christian faith in favor of the world's second largest religion, Islam.

"I've decided that, as an athlete, it's important I have the best teammates," Tebow told a stunned press conference. "And Jesus proved to me this past post season that he simply isn't there for me when I need him."

Tebow added from now on, he would like to be called Faruque Al-Shabaz, and plans to begin a new post score prayer practice known as Shabazing.
http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201201016