Nearly The News #103

BUTT-LESS CHAPS: EVERYBODY WANTS SOME!!!
The reunion tour of iconic rock band Van Halen has led to a spike in assless chap sales, according to Cap News and representatives from the assless chaps industry.

"Sales are up more than 300 percent in the first quarter of this year," said a well-ventilated spokesperson. “It's been more of a specialty item the last few decades, so we couldn't be happier."

Assless chaps were first popularized by Van Halen lead singer David Lee Roth in the 1980s, who wore them during concerts, music videos and while relaxing around the house
http://crystalair.com/story.php?id=201201004

NFL SEASON: BIGGER, LONGER, AND WAY HARDER (GIGGLE)
In an announcement sending shockwaves through the sporting world, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has laid out plans to increase the league's regular season from a 16 to an 82-game schedule.

"There's been talk of adding games to the season for some time," Goodell explained to Cap News. "We just added more than most people expected, because frankly, we want to make even more money."

The new format will also see a change to the post season, with playoffs being a best of seven series, and the championship game played over a live volcano.
http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201201005

And finally…

IT’S A MINI-DIVA SENSATION!
Beyonce and Jay-Z’s newborn daughter Blue Ivy has released the first single from her upcoming album, as well as a very healthy stool sample.

“The single is called “Whhaaaa, bitches!” and features vocal support from Lil’ Wayne and Eminem.  “For a new artist, she has a feel for music beyond her years,” the happy after-birth covered father told reporters. “And her BM, it’s firm, the right color, there’s not another artist out there who’s pooping at this level.”