Nearly The News #102

 GOD TO ROBERTSON: WHO LEFT THE MATTRESS MACHINE ON?
Televangelist Pat Robertson declared Tuesday that God wants the entire world to hold an enormous closeout mattress sale this weekend or face immediate destruction. The Chicagodope.com reports Robertson made this announcement on his 700 Club TV show.

“I heard it loud and clear. God was yelling ‘Sunday, Sunday, Sunday’ and ‘everything must go,’” said the occasionally lucid televangelist.  “I knew this was coming, first America accepted homosexuality and now God is threatening to destroy us unless we go out and buy new mattresses.”

http://www.thechicagodope.com/2012/01/10/pat-robertson-says-god-wants-a-mattress-sale/

JUDGE TO SATAN: AND WE’RE WATCHING THE KARDASHIAN’S TOO…
According to the Chicagodope.com, a Philadelphia Court has forced the Devil to return the eternal soul of M. Night Shyamalan for failing to comply with a contract granting the writer/director/producer “unending creative talent and stardom.”

The judge agreed with Shyamalan’s lawyers who said their client’s level of success fell well short of promises made by the Prince of Darkness. 

Shyamalan’s attorney argued that his client’s  “talent enhancement” clause was never exercised, and presented as evidence the films Lady in the Water, Signs and The Happening.

http://www.thechicagodope.com/2012/01/11/judge-rules-devil-must-return-m-night-shyamalans-soul/

And finally…

RESEARCHERS: JUST LEAVE HONEY BADGER ALONE!

Researchers from the World Wildlife Federation say they’ve come to the conclusion that the honey badger, in fact, does care.

“Honey badger has developed an unfair reputation in recent years,” a well-clawed researcher told Derfmagazine.com. “There is no doubt that he is fearless as he goes after prey.  But we found a honey badger’s senses of sympathy and empathy were rather evolved... ya know, for a rodent.”

Well, just goes to show you can’t trust anything you see on the Internet…
http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/lifestyle/honey-badger-cares