Nearly The News #101

OBAMA TO AMERICA: JUST KIDDING
President Obama, who recently signed a defense bill that authorizes the indefinite detention of American citizens without due-process or trial, has added a signing statement to the legislation to explain his apparent flip-flop.

“When I promised I’d never sign anything like this, I was just joking,” the President said in a written addendum to the bill. “I mean, come on, it was an election thing… just chill, okay? You’ve still got one or two civil liberties left. You can still freely assemble, go do that.”

MASSENGILL DONE WITH BOWLS
The Massengill Douche Bowl was played for the first and last time this week.  Freeman Junior College defeated Red River University 21 to 7, in a game dominated by snickering, double entendres and hygiene jokes.
“In hindsight, maybe having the mascot Daisy Douche on the sidelines was a mistake,” said an organizer.  Potential replacement sponsors are said to include Depends Adult Diapers and Al Quida.

And finally…
KARDASHIAN TO FANS: COME GET SOME
In a attempt to reconnect with her disillusioned fans Kim Kardashian says she’ll make a new sex-tape. “I plan to raffle myself off to some lucky guy… or girl, say no to Hate!” The professional famous person rocketed into the spotlight years ago when she had intercourse on tape with a rapper, but lost fans when she married and divorced an NBA player named Kris or something.

The big K booty raffle, as it is being called, will be conducted on-line, and covered extensively by People, Okay! Magazine and E! Television in a series of five hour specials.