Nearly The News #086

AL QAIDA: SURVIVOR – ARAB PENINSULA

The terrorist network Al Qaida, rocked recently by high profile deaths in its leadership, says it’s come up with a fun way to get more people interested in killing infidels. “Al Qaida Survivor” will pit a group of wanna-be terrorist leaders against one another to determine who’ll take over the organization.  “There’ll be lots of challenges, like throwing acid at unescorted women and bomb-making,” said a spokesperson from a cave somewhere really warm.  “Sadly, given all the drone strikes, we’ll probably have to keep the show running for many, many years.”

BIG BEN: IT’S OKAY, I CAN STILL PUSH OFF

Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger says he’s lucky his recent injury was to his “non raping foot.”  “I was worried for a bit,” said the controversial Quarterback who’s been accused twice of unwanted sexual conduct.  “But thank the good lord, I’ll still be able to tear up the gridiron and the bathrooms of nightclubs for many, many years to come.”

MICHELE TO JESUS: DUDE, WHAT GIVES?
And finally…
Presidential wanna-be Michele Bachmann, whose poll numbers have plummeted in recent weeks, says she’s not too happy with Jesus right now.  “I told everyone that God told me to run for President,” she said during a recent interview.  “And now, I’m like, okay, enough screwing around Lord, let’s make this happen.”  A spokesman for Jesus did not return repeated calls for a comment.