Nearly The News #085

THE CIRCLE OF REALLY BAD DREAMS
Cap News is reporting that Disney Studios re-release of its classic animated film The Lion King, will offer a whole new generation of children the chance to be traumatized when the young protagonist witnesses his father's brutal murder and is tricked into believing he is responsible for the death.
"The scene where Mufasa falls from a cliff and is trampled to death as Simba watches helplessly was probably the single most wrenching emotional moment for millions of children in the 1990s," said Edwin Catmull, president of Disney Animation Studios. "That's what Disney is all about."
Catmull noted that since the new version is in Disney Digital 3-D, the experience will be even more poignant for today's youngsters, who will feel like Mufasa "is falling to his death right on top of them."

VEGAS BOOKIES: SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THE OVER

Gamblers in Vegas are scratching their heads over the continuing marriage of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries.  A casino spokesman told NTN that the over/under on how long the relationship would last was two months, three days.  “Some bettors are going to take a real bath,” said the source. “But I guess love wins out… or they just haven’t closed their merch deals for their divorce special yet.”

OWS: CHAPTER SIXTY FOUR – VEGAN CABINET POSITIONS
And finally…
Occupy Wall Street, the grass roots movement that has been holding sit ins across the country, has responded to criticism that it is just an unfocused bunch of hippies, lefties and college kids, by releasing a list of demands totaling some six hundred pages. 

“We got really cranked last night, took out our Ipads and the words just flowed,” said an OWS spokesperson wearing a mask.  “We want more vegan mayors in government,  no more bank profits, and like, stop killing animals for lipstick testing… cause that sucks too.”

Other demands from the group include an overhauling of the feds monetary policy, breast feeding rights for the transgendered, and Cheetos.  

This episode written by Colin Friesen.