Nearly The News #082

NADER TO AMERICA: HOW DO I SCREW THEE, LET ME COUNT THE WAYS…

Rumpled activist Ralph Nader says he’s launching a search for left wing challengers to take on President Obama in upcoming Democratic primaries.  “We need to move him way left on the issues,” says Nader.  “Sure, if we succeed the Republicans’ll waltz back into the White House, but that’s a small price to pay for having the Nader name stay relevant.” 

LA DODGERS: CAN YOU THROW IN THAT LAMP WITH THIS?
Crystalair.com says the off-field drama surrounding the Los Angeles Dodgers took an unexpected twist today, when officials confirmed the team was sold to a Pasadena woman at a local flea market. The woman said she plans to give the team to her grandson.
“Oh, I don’t have any use for a professional base ball team and my husband would kill me if I came home with something else we don’t need,” the unidentified 69-year-old. “But my 7-year-old grandson’s birthday is coming up, so this is perfect.”

http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201107005

SHEEN ROAST: SOME BLOOD, NO CANNIBALISM

Officials with Comedy Central say they were happy the Charlie Sheen roast went off with just a little bloodshed but no cannibalism.  “A good time was had by all,” said a network spokesperson.  “Yes, Steve O got his nose broken, but our fears that the event would devolve into a an orgy of drugs, sex and outright cannibalism were unfounded.”  While there were reports of light nibbling at the after party, police were not involved.