Neary The News #072

WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED… EXCEPT FOR THAT FLAT SCREEN

London rioters say their rage has been fueled by police brutality and inattention in certain low income neighborhoods, as well as the outrageous price of home electronics.

“three hundred quid for flat screen? You must be having a laugh,” said a hooded teen interviewed while crawling out of a store window.  “Oh yeah, and cops are fascists, but seriously, no one should pay these prices.”

STOP THE SLIDE I WANT TO GET OFF!

Stock traders have been seen bringing air sickness bags to the trading floor this week as fluctuations have brought on mass nausea.

The wild swings are blamed on the country’s credit downgrade and concerns with overseas markets, but that is little comfort to Wall Street workers.

“I think I’m gonna hurl,” said one bond analyst who already had vomit coating his jacket, before rushing for the nearest shredder bin and unloading his breakfast egg-white omelet.   

And finally…

SUPER COMMITTEE ANNOUNCES YUMMY INCENTIVE PLAN

Congresses’ new Super Committee, charged with finding budget cuts in the trillions of dollars, says its members will receive the respect of a grateful nation, and donuts.

“We need to make this job attractive to potential house members,” said Republican leader John Boehner, whose party forced the nation to brink of default this summer.  “These are the people who are going to gut the social safety net, I think some free sugared donuts is the least we can offer them.”

This episode written by Collin Friesen.