Nearly The News #067

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME… COME ON, YOU KNOW IT!

Our long national nightmare, the NFL’s dispute between multi-millionaire players and  billionaire owners is finally over.

NFL players have agreed to the new deal, which will likely see ticket prices increase. But reps from both sides say screwing the fans is a small price to pay considering the money involved. 

PARIS HILTON: WAIT A MINUTE, I THINK THAT WAS RUDE!

Former sex-tape star and ongoing celebutard Paris Hilton recently stormed away from a TV interview with a Good Morning America reporter.

“He asked if I was maybe passé because my new show’s rating sucked,” said the waifish heiress. “And that’s rude. I know what passé means now, and that’s just… uncooth.”

Hilton credits her increased vocabulary skills to a Word A Day calendar that an assistant reads to her in her sleep.

RICK PERRY: JESUS WANTS ME TO RUN OUR COUNTRY

Texas Governor Rick Perry says he wants to do to America what he’s done for Texas.

“We’ve got a debt that’s increased almost 300% under my administration,” said Perry, who is considering a Presidential run.

“We rank almost dead last in terms of kids getting high school diplomas, and don’t even get me started on our pollution levels.”

Perry says people who doubt his experience, should know he loves Jesus, and once, while jogging, shot a coyote with a laser sighted handgun. True story. 

This episode written by Collin Friesen.