Nearly The News #043

CHINA TO WORLD: JUST GIVE UP NOW

The Chinese government says while it commends all the other world economies for a good try, it’s all over.

“We won,” said an official spokesperson, pointing out how much American debt is owned by the communist nation. “We totally control most of the planet, and are moving in on the parts we don’t.” 

The USA, currently nursing a season ending injury, could not be reached comment.

IN WITH THE SHAKE WEIGHT, OUT WITH THE SOLOFLEX

One man’s quest for home fitness has taken yet another surprising turn. “This time it’s a sure thing,” said local infomercial enthusiast Steven Henderson, who is tossing his dusty Soloflex machine for a set of Shake Weights.  Henderson says he hopes the fact that the Shake Weights seem to move themselves might be the missing piece in his fitness puzzle, but if not, well, something else is sure to come along.

And finally…

RICKY GERVAIS SLATED TO HOST NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY

After a controversial and insult riddled stint as the host of the Golden Globes, comic Ricky Gervais says he'll be heading to Stockholm to hand out 

the Nobel Prizes.  The awards are given every year in a number of categories including arts, science literature and the well known peace prize.  "Just wait til they hear the zinger I've got lined up for Russian poet Boris Pasternak," says Gervais, adding it would be easier to be funny if more winners had drug and relationship problems, but he'll work with the material he's given.   

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This episode written by Collin Friesen.