Nearly The News 018

Aguilera Leads Fight To Change National Anthem

Breaking news from The Spoof.com - Christina Aguilera is leading the fight to change America's National Anthem. Aguilera claims that only a handful of Americans actually know all the words to the incredibly difficult and outdated song and it's because of that she is leading a fight to change the song to one that is more singer-friendly. 

"It's not like I don't know the words to the National Anthem," says Aguilera. "I just don't think the song is hip enough for me and I get bored about three or four lines into it. It's kind of a dyslexic patriotic thing I guess"

Aguilera says, "Pride can only take us so far before the song gets in the way."

http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s4i91537

Cincinnati Seeking Hotter Hookers

Derfmagazine.com reports The City Council in Cincinnati is putting special emphasis toward bringing more attractive prostitutes to the metropolis. Calling it an essential element for building future growth and prosperity, the bipartisan effort has support from both city government and private sector groups. 

Councilman Jeff Berding explained, "Those mugshots we had from the prostitution sting a few weeks ago were a real black eye for this city... not an attractive hooker in the bunch. 

The Chamber of Commerce is also on board with the plan and have created a young prostitution networking group called H.O.H.O.H, "Harnessing Our Hot Own Hookers."

The final votes for funding will happen later this month, after several council members gather for a fact finding tour in Las Vegas. 

http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/politics/596.html

Katy Perry's Breasts Sign $8m Deal

Newsflash from The Chicago Dope.com - In a shocking move, Katy Perry's breasts have decided to part ways with the chart topping performer, signing a three album five year deal with EMI Records rumored to worth eight million dollars. Four million per breast. 

http://www.thechicagodope.com/2011/02/15/katy-perry’s-breasts-sign-8m-deal-with-emi-records/